Demonic Angel

New Website

2010-02-03T20:55:00.002+11:00

I don't update this anymore, please visit here instead. ;)

meh

2009-08-28T20:31:00.003+10:00

Time can be so cruel, life is just naturally unfair. It's impossible to have everything you want, maybe it isn't possible, but when it is, it's like were being teased, or tested if we appreaciated the blessing each day, and when we took it for granted, when we forgot about it, it gets taken away. That's how you realize how important something is to you. Life is a circle of good karma and bad karma.

Im thankful that I had not taken anything for granted, thankful that i have done good to most people. I have my family that love me, and my friends that are loyal, as I am to them. I believe that in every relationship, infact with every person, its a matter of give and take, compensation, understanding...because nothing is perfect, people do make mistakes, its just up to other people on how to take it in, how to react. I think its absolutely ridiculous how people would rather mope around because they supposedly 'loved' someone that never appreciated them, but how could you still love someone that has been so terrible to you? I think love is a reason to be listed to be 'taken' because it sounds better than going solo, or better yet,its an excuse to be alone. I know I'm afraid to be alone, but it doesnt necessarily mean i always have to be in a relationship to live. Beautiful smart women who have a lot to offer are normally the ones that end up being the most stupid. Im not speaking this as a derogatory sense, im just saying, and i know a lot of them do agree.

I wonder, have i become completely cynical? I wouldn't say that.. hmm.. but i feel like one day, i will stop hoping, and maybe, just maybe the time when i astop hoping, i will find true love, or maybe i won't, maybe theirs no such thing. And just maybe then, I will become completely cynile, and live until i get old and be known as the old cat lady.

Strange Imagination

2009-08-24T20:05:00.003+10:00

I have always wanted to do different things in my life. I just can't seem to make up what it is that I really do want.

For instance I wouldn't mind being a singer, I would love to sing for an audience that appreciates good music you know? but growing up knowing that you have to study hard, achieve a degree in life, you set those dreams aside. They don't exactly give you a degree in singing do they? ALYSSA PARAS SUMA KOMLAUDE IN THE BAHELORS OF SINGING. oh yeaaah. hahaha.

I also had this thing where i could be a model, only i want that because it's sort of easy money, i can just so imagine myself being a model right, then get all the clothes, shoes and bags i want. :p Also it be easier to get food and books. lol.

Anyways, just a weird thought lol.

screwed up sleeping pattern

2009-08-18T19:00:00.002+10:00

Yes finally the frustration, the waiting, the annoyance, the aggitation has ended. I finally got the laptop, it was sort of deja vu when i looked at it, it was as though it had been the same one. Well indeed it looks the same, but not the same. I cant explain the value of the first one, but it was special to me.

The attempt to fix my sleeping pattern is failing misserably i seem to be sleeping all day, waking up at night, then doing my work then. I have become the ultimate insomniac hermit. Cleaning is so overrated, yet i still do it. It's because i cannot stand it being dirty.

6th week already of Uni. I have made notes to the best of my abilities, and hopefully that will contribute to my anxiety of doing the exams. I hate the exams and for some odd reason, everything i have seemed to have studied don't apply. -_- I am determined to be pass all my units this semester, as i am not happy with my last results. I could choose to not do my units againa dn just dorp my major, but nooooo Alyssa really wants to finish her course the way she started it.

Im currently working on an assignment, of making a webpage, to think that with the experience of blogging, and making my own website I will finish it right away. Turns out, when you are actually getting graded for each tiny component you add in it, the stress is on, and it takes you longer, as you develop the disease of being a perfectionist.

Thank god for blogger automatically saving things, it just crashed before and i had a minor heart attack because there is no way i would remember everything i had typed. Anyway... i forgot my trail of thought. But yes, congratulations to my friend Roseanne for making it into Starstruck, and im happy to be there to watch her as this show goes on. I wish her all the luck to make it to the goal she had always dreamed of.

As for me? I'm stuck doing Uni work, but determined, to finish with a good degree...someday. LOL

ARGH

2009-07-30T18:43:00.003+10:00

So what have I been up to lately?? Nothing really, after hard work of juggling, studying everyday, cleaning, and dealing with psycho ex-boyfriend, and a lost friend which I gained back, I failed 2 units, this added to my misery. Still I aim to finish my course still majoring, regardless of how long it takes. I am currently doing 3 units, supposedly 4 but since I failed one of the prerequisite needed for the 4th one, taking up the second year unit was an impossibility. I'm currently sitting on the train, using my uber hot red phone, reminded how uber hot my red laptop was, which is now devastatingly (if there is such a word) crippled. :( I stared at it the other day, thinking that regardless of getting a new one, the worth of the laptop is priceless not in terms of its cost, but the meaning and the sentimental value that accompanies the lightly shimmered red laptop. My parents flew all the way from the philippines to witness mr graduate, despite them spending for me my whole life, just so I can be happy and have the privilege of learning, they still bought me a laptop as a recognition of my success. The event was such a beautiful night for me, the first time that I ever poured my heart through a letter to my step dad of how much I appreciate him, making me and my mum happy, especially my mum. And now, when one day I open that box, and its aroma of fresh new gadget smell hit my senses, I'm not going to be excited because I have somethin new in possession, all I'm going to think of is the sound I heard the first time it hit the wall, the time slowing down, as I try to calm myself and tame my tears, and tried to think that 'nooo! That wasn't my uber hot laptop, that was something else' while my knees weaken, fell straight to the floor, broke down and cried, and then another loud thud, this time, it was louder than before. I knew right there and then, it was too late. My laptop died that day. Sometimes I wonder if he feels more like a man, when he did that. I wonder why he still found it in him to yell at me just after he threw it. He knew what it meant to me, he took that for granted, and took advantage of my weakness. Asshole. I may not be glad that my laptop is broken, but I'm glad that the incident happened that way rather than me getting hurt, and it made me realize I can find someone way better than you.

5 Dollar Happiness

2009-06-02T15:51:00.002+10:00

Show me off for the world to see.
For me to see that you do wan t me.

Im sort of happy, woohoo. I walked pass the bargain shoe shop, and every pair of beautiful heels were $5!!!!! $5!! JUST 5 DOLLARS!!! As much as I wanted to buy four pairs, I tamed my impulsiveness and bought 2 :) They look sexy, on my not so sexy feet.

There shouldn't be anyone to blame

2009-05-31T17:08:00.001+10:00

Don't be so naive, you hide your pain and your wrong doings through blaming other people. No one else is pushing you down, but yourself. No one else can help you up if you don't let them try. You put the weight on my shoulders by your threats to seize your existence, and if that were to happen, who's to blame? me. I would not be able to live through that in my life.

SIT 105 - Assignment 02

2009-05-31T12:41:00.003+10:00

Quite frankly i do not enjoy making venn diagrams out of claims and conclusions. Making venn diagrams out of sets of numbers is more than enough but no, it is not enjoyable at all.

Seriously? This critical thinking Unit is making me unhappy :( First of all, I got a low mark(but passed mind you) from the first assignment, with a very little amount of comment saying I had lost marks due to missing content. What content? Would they care to elaborate more on that? Or is it simply enjoyable to let all students of Unit SIT 105 to suffer wondering what they had missed out on?

The desperate need of saving

2009-05-29T22:32:00.003+10:00

Shivers run all throughout my body, my knees get weak, as if i can't support myself up, tears still tamed inside, screams wanting to desperately come out. Yet I hear nothing, I hear nothing but the cars, and chuckles of everyone else around me. I envy their happiness. I wish I was happy.

I sit on a step wondering where it'll all lead to, wondering if anyone cared, if all of the sudden i disappeared. Wondering if anyone would realize what I was going through. There is no one, no one to talk to. No one I can trust, no one that will respect my thoughts, and my feelings.

Black tears run down my eyes, as I tried to write in my journal today, shavkng hysterically with anxiety, I almost lit the pen instead of the cigarette, my ignorance didn't help, it only made me even more pathetic.

No warmth anymore, no security, no hope, just faith that keeps me standing. And one day I know the lord will save me, one day he'll pick me up realizing that no one else can. So i sit and wait till the days comes for an angel to save me.

SHIT

2009-05-23T17:11:00.002+10:00

People do stupid things and not realize it. Its probably just human nature. We become so cowardly that we dont want to face reality, our problems that are affecting us, and to make it worse we think about the problems that may arise soon.

I feel like, whenever I seek for happiness people always try to ruin it for me. That's just a feeling,but the thought lingers, why are they doing it? Are they doing it to make themselves better? I always wonder if people think the same way as I do. Do they ever wonder how their actions could affect anyone? I deal with my problems my own way, and try not to get other people involved. I just don't understand why people have to talk about me behind my back, make up things. Do they enjoy torturing me? Sometimes I wish I wasn't as caring and as nice as I was. I wish didn't empathize about what other people think or feel, or how it would affect them.

"Unless someone cares a whole aweful lot like you, nothing will feel better"

For once, I'd like to be the one that people would care for, instead of the other way around.
It makes me sick, thinking about things I think of. I think about the most random things. I think constantly, and then take into heart.

Stop. Alyssa. Just stop.

Away

2009-05-21T13:03:00.001+10:00

I don't know if i find the sun beautiful anymore, it saddens me how the sun could be so stingy. Yet the angel has come back, to keep my heart warm, bring the most genuine smiles in my life.

The Sun

2009-05-18T12:46:00.003+10:00

Confusion rushes over me as I look into the abyss with so much question. Blinded by the brightness and the gorgeous sun lowering itself, I look down and wish I could reach the sun, it seems like Im right next to the sun, but at the same time the sun was too far away. As my eyes water with so much anger and passion, I walk away from the sun. Turn my back, and let out all the tears I have tried taming inside. I sit with a hand on my face, and a cigarette on the other, silently..I let out all the scream inside. Despite it all, i was still afraid for everyone to hear my scream. So i scream in my head, where only i can hear it, only i can benefit from venting out everything that cannot be expressed through words.

I wonder, why I like the sun so much. Maybe it's the piercing beauty of its light, or the way the sun gives me comfort, gives me warmth. Not knowing want the sun really thinks, sometimes it goes up..sometimes it goes down, and with it I come.

It's like everywhere I go, the sun is there. Why?
Deep in the darkness, is where the sun and i can be together.
I fuckin dont make sense.

Random

2009-05-13T14:03:00.004+10:00

I've grown up knowing that nothing can ever be permanent. Nothing will ever just stay the way they are. Over time things change, it may seem hard to accept that things change but somehow we learn to grow into it, and just accept everything, and take it all in.

I conceal my fears, insecuirties, pain with a smile, to create an illusion to everyone. I've accepted the obscuirty of my existence. In the end I'll only be another person walking the street, enjoying the sun's faint warmth on my face, and yet again, it goes away and the cold rushes through my body once more. Over and over again.

Time, maturity, and reality.

2009-05-08T17:03:00.002+10:00

After i made this new layout I looked through some of my old posts, then i came upon old posts when i was with certain people. One of which was eww. No words can describe how my mentality was back then. ANd then I came across posts in 2008 i think, how i wrote about cleo magazine, who the hell writes a criticism against the workings of a magazine? Seriously? lol.

Favourite posts:
Monday, December 22, 2008

Relationships

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Talk

Friday, December 12, 2008

Passion

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Insecurities | WHERE I POSTED ABOUT THE CLE0 MAGAZINE. LOL

Saturday, November 29, 2008

UP YOURS BIGPOND!

There is so much more but i cant be bothered looking through, but these are what i can remember. I quite like this new layout.

Position?

2009-05-08T14:51:00.004+10:00

Sometimes I wonder what my existence is for. Not that I'm thinking of seizing my existence at all, but it just makes me wonder. Why am i here for? What am i set out to do in the world? Will I ever become one of the legends and make a difference in the world? But my aim in life is so much simpler than that, people may have the same aim, just to be the person you can be to survive, and yet the things we have to go through is so much more complex. On the way there is so much obstacles and so much pain you'd have to endure. You sit there wondering how you'll go through it all and yet you still find enough strength and enough wisdom to prevent complete oblivion.

I dont know where I am as of the moment, I dont know if there is a set milestone that you have reach. All i know is that right now, im trying my best to get there, to get somewhere. There are things you have to give up, and they seem to be such a painful thing to do, but ive come to notice nothings easy anymore. As I get older things become much more hard, the amount of things I think about become more complicated. Comparing what I'm going through what people go through in their lives doesn't even seem like a hard thing, maybe that's what I base my life for, that I cannot complain because people around the world could be going through so much more pain.

This is the start of becoming broke, the start of worrying what to do next, the start of feeling guilty to not do anything at all in a day when really you need to rest somehow. Get away from everything.Everyone will stop you from reaching high, but no one will ever stop you from falling down. Flat on your bum, and no one will stop to help. I somehow feel like I want to prove something, prove that despite it all I will be able to make it, and show everyone that it is possible.

The option of quitting, getting away from it all seems such an easy way, seems such a great escape. I really want to chose it, but there's things to think about like, money spent, time wasted. I don't want to give up all those things. I love my parents for being so understanding, i really do. I don't know how i can go on without that support. Just knowing and trusting that they will be there, makes me stronger somehow. But i also think about not just sticking to that idea.

I can do this.

It's been a while

2009-04-17T16:38:00.003+10:00

I had this sudden urge of writting today, so much things were just coming out of my mind, it was riduculous. It was as though I just had to get them all out, I ended up writting some sort of poem in filipino, in filipino? how berserk is that? Well anyway, I was writting it, and man words just kept splurging out.

I can't remember when the last time was, when i posted something. All i know based on my recent title, that it was at the start of Uni, it doesn't seem so long ago but so much has happened. So much. For one, I think I've lost a friend, which I didn't intend on doing. A big misunderstanding, with no consideration or whatsoever. Apparently im "just one less person to care for in the world" I dont know if anyone has said that to me before, although it hurt me, the look of her eyes told me otherwise, that she did care, she cares so much, but there's hatred with a passion that she just had to hurt me somehow to get that satisfaction that "ha! take that!" sort of thing. And it worked, and i guess i made a fool out of myself, because Im pretty sure I was being redundant but repeating things that were completely irrelevant but because she said that, after that, i couldn't seem to remember why i was there for, why i wanted to talk to them, and what i wanted to talk about. It just kept playing in my mind over and over again, and it sucks really. Although that seemed to be the case where i cried like a baby, somehow i think to myself now that i dont care because I said what i had to say, and i didn't say anything hurtful, which i have nothing to regret for.

The thing I do not understand though is that, why it was such a big deal,me moving on trying to make myself happy seems so impossible because there would always be something that will get in the way. I dont think no one has the right to tell you what to do, except your parents ofcouse because they know best, but really you think about it, you control yourself, it is up to you on what to. I am not making sense as of the moment but making it short, im saying is that I own myself, and no one can tell me how to live my life, and what if I do want to be happy? Would you hold that against me? Would you condemn me? Just because for once, I have a little bit of sympathy for myself, instead of having empathy for everyone else.

Im tire of crying, really, I am so tired of thinkign about what other people think, im not saying that im going to stop doing that, but i think that its time that i think about myself, and do that for me. Make myself happy for once you know? Ive come to the conclusion that there is no point in mopin about things, although there are still things that i cant get over. Like melbourne, the reason, partly, that i haven't gone to melbourne is because I need to do a lot of work, and i know if i was there I'd end up slacking off to see my mates. And the majority of the reason is that, I walk in there, and the smell of familiarity stings. The smell which gives out so much memory. I walk down the hall to my room and there I see pictures which my sister has drawn, stickers of glow in the dark hearts so that my sister can see during the night while walking towards the toilet. It hurts you know? Slowly I'm healing myself and I am happy for that, but it seems like friends who I thought that would try and understand what Im going through would give just a little bit of sympathy dont even try.

I guess i do understand that they are in pain too, i do understand that, but come on, really? does it have to be all about you? Why cant you think about me too. Im tired of thinking about other people being the one to understand but no one seems to try and understand me.

Im ont he roll man, this is good, it is good, im venting it a little bit. If you are reading this right now, I apologize because I didn't share what happened, but really i do not want to bitch, the purpose of this bloody blogs existence is for me to vent out things, and somehow wish that someone would read it and go. "oh dearrr" instead of like "oh you pathetic little twit"

I sort of feel like an idiot for trying to fix the friendship though, because everytime i come up, there this rolling of the eyes, comments and whatever. Its painful. So last night i came straight up and asked what they had to say because i hate backstabbing, id rather know. big mistake. I hear what i had to say and it was painful.

Like I said. Im happy because i was true to myself, and everyone else. I said what i had to, nothing hurtful either. Yet all i heard from her was insults and painful words. I have nothing to feel remorse for, an yet they.. probably do.

@ UNI - No internet at Home

2009-03-16T10:36:00.002+11:00

Sitting here at the moment in the Library blogging makes me paranoid, as I twist and turn once in while wondering if anyone is looking at what Im talking about.

Well anyway, the move yesterday was hilarious we had to go back again to get some more thing because it wouldn't fit in the car. I forgot to bring the memory card of my camera, I took photos of the place. It was hilarious! I took a shower last night, and I was hesitant to take my clothes off, watching myself slowly in the mirror, as I slip of my jacket, thinkin "I wonder if this mirror has a nanocamera behind it" LOL. So anyway, I jumped in the shower with hesitation and worry, with a vivid imagination like mine, I thought of so many way that shower could have been dirty. I look up and there was this lock of hair just hanging there. It wasn't just 3 strands of hair, i kid you not it was like the size of my pinky. It was a thick strand of hair. it freaked me out, so the whole time i was taking a shower I was leaning to the side, eying the darn thing, wondering if it was alive, and it's jump on me and kill me or something.

Thank god the toilets have the spray thingy, so when people take a dump I wouldnt have to smell it, or vise versa. LOL. Well anyway, I have to go soon, I have class. I have no breaks at all man it's going to kill, thank god i had maccas this morning 10-11 Information Technology lecture 11-12 Maths 12-1 Maths 1-4 Information technology prac TELL HOW HOW HOWWWWWWWWW I surived this last week?

The Move

2009-03-15T08:25:00.002+11:00

I sat on my sister's little red chair, studying on the coffee table yesterday, after a long day of packing. Then I feel my left eye twitch as if it's trying to say "hey come on man, its 2am go to bed, im tired" so i did.

Despite of the tiredness I didn't sleep right away due to stressing about things. Thinking about the fact that this is the start of my actual life, like... Im going to Uni and then after that Ima be working for me. No parents, just me. The idea of it is really scary.

Once I get to the new apartment, get settled in, I'd have to start working as well. Jesus, would I have any social life? lol. Probably not, but that doesn't bother me at all though. Somehow Im just perfectly content imagining myself study. LOL. which is weird. I wonder what job I'll get, fuck hospitality, I've had enough of that shit. Working at Mc Donalds was fun, but the customers were made out of satan. Seriously how painful is it to eat fries that have only been out for 5 minnutes that you just have to waste my perfectly managed little time to make a new set of fries? So anyway im thinking retail. That should be fun and pretty relaxed, plus clothes discount man!

I might not have internet though, once I get there, i don't know. Pax said "where are you moving?to the mountains?" Lol. tight arse. A lot of classes and living in the building with those smoke sprinkler thingies would cutt me down on my smoking, which is an upside.

My only problem is, the sleeping, I remember living in a sort of city "taguig" in Essensa in the Philippines, my window was seriously next to the road, and I'd see hot military but ugly guys, running in the morning, they were my alarm clock. Then they wake me up even more with the excitement and laughter the fat guy gives 30 minutes later when all the hot ones have alreay gone.

So this is it Alyssa!! Jesus man, i feel so old. what the hell. Lol, I turn 19 this year. WHat the hell is that?! Lol, being 18 seems not that exciting anymore. Somehow I want to stay young, carefree, and spoiling myself with parental benefits. I guess we just grow up, people change through time, and time changes people.

So to those bitches and idiots that ever hurt me, I chuckle with laughter seeing that now?? You are no where, were as my life is going great. Dicks.

Anyway, my dad's email was hilarious. "it all depends on how much you spend for food....(drink)" bahahaha! LOL. I think ima reduce alcohol consuption, considering brain cells are essential in this thing called 'studying'. LOL. Even learning the true meaning of studying seems to be a chore. But somehow it's become a habit, hopefully it'll stay that way.

I miss my little sister, my mum, dad. :( and all my other family members, but they are motivation to keep going, thinking that my dad is workin his ass off just to get me into Uni. Asking to have money for books, plus everything, the extra expenses because of moving, is embarrassing, but i need to something to get me up and going. Sort of like a shot of vodka before a giant speech, then afterwards the rest is up to you. I miss my friends, both philippines and melbourne. My friend, Lexi as over yesterday, and it made me think what lily said "they've got their own lives now" it was like a big slap on my face, because the night before that they will always be our friends no matter what you know?? But yesterday, lexi seemed so excited getting back to her new friends, whereas we were standing there in front of her, like as if we weren't there. Oh no we're not blaming her or anything, i guess things do just change.

Life is so rapid, and quick. Thinking about that It's already been 6 months since I graduated off highschool, but only 6 months has gone pass, but so much has changed. I want my mummy. :'( lol.

It's just going to be really awkward, because its a shared student accomodation, man. That's just weird, my shitting patterns are going to be fucked up. You might say "eewww" but guess what? OH BOOHOO! grow up. It's a normal thing. BAAAAH.

Good Bye, unlimited internet broadband, foxtel, dodgey backyard, watering plants, cleaning kitchen, carefree life, hello great responsibility, room vaccuuming, and awkward shitting.

Hope. Programming. Sleep Deprived.

2009-03-11T16:54:00.002+11:00

First week of University life is already tiring, and challenging. But I have to say it is really exciting for me, being able to program crap and making them do shit. It's cool. Which reminds me why I did this course in the first place, because it really is interesting for me. Despite that, it is really tiring travelling to and from for 5 hours.

Moving out of the house soon, its a weird feeling not being able to be home, its different when you move with your family, as to moving by yourself knowing that this is it, the start of being responsible to survive for yourself. I just can't imagine myself, just yet. It's weird, i just can't explain it. It's fear and excitement put together.

Hope. I found that when I lose hope for someone, I gain hope for myself, sort of like a motivation I use, a juice to make myself stronger. As though I want to prove that I can do it, as though Im so afraid to appear weak that I make myself stronger. Which is good i guess. When the people you thought were going to help you, somehow fail you, but that happens and there's no point in thinking about it and getting even more disappointed.

STOP. You can do this.

Start

2009-03-08T14:50:00.003+11:00

So tomorrow is the start of the school year. Another phase of stress, studying, and drunken nights. LOL. I have 3 lectures all close to each other tomorrow, gonna have to make a run to another room. LOL. Damn it. Damn my lung incapability of cardio work.

I was pretty drunk last night lol, we went out drinkin with my mum it was hilarious. I got a hangover this morning, thus again thank god for the existence of Advil. Without out, my drinking days will not be complete and wouldn't be so enjoyable. I have to revise my books to know what the lecturer is going to talk about tomorrow, but the question is... Do i have enough brain cells left? hmm. I wonder if it would be a challenge trying to understand the books, with its series and series of symbols and mumbos.

Well anyway, last night I went to do some thinking before i passed out completely from the room spinning so quickly, that I'll be okay... I think ill be okay. No no no scratch that I WILL BE OKAY infact ill be so okay that Ill be great. There's no point mopin around and crying, Im shapin up and do some lovin for myself. Make myself happy you know? It's time to stop worrying about other people and start worrying about myself, I think i deserve it. I do not deserve to punish myself, lol. I need to get over it and just move on, that nothing will happen, regardless of how many tears and praying I have to do, the circumstances will always be the same. So.. I will hold my head up high, and smile. Be happy, and worry about myself, focus on my studies and possibly find more friends.

So to start making myself happy, today I vent my pain, and move on. Today I painted my nails red, and satisfied myself by painting my favourite colour, red, on my finger nails. And yes it may seem shallow and irrelevant but I am somehow happy. Today I will sing, and splurge myself and spoil myself with countless stationary I will get from officeworks. With the help of my mother offcieworks will become a sanctuary of peace and happiness! lol.

It's time for a change with the new chapter in the book of my life, make a better history for the future.

Tears of joy? Or tears of sadness?

2009-03-05T21:24:00.002+11:00

The second time I cried today, the first time was when my mum was on skype and my dog Bo was on the camera, i wanted to just hold him so badly, that i cried, and also I was happy to see him. Tonight, i cried again because I saw muffin.

I could have chosen to go with family, but i chose to stay to persue my 'dream', i don't know I just don't have any place in the Philippines anymore by the time I get there, It would be probably be too complicated to get into a decent University. Also they don't have my course.

I start next week, orientation week was okay, my course is really a dominating course, somehow I feel sort intimidated, but I wont let that get in the way. I know regardless of gender I can pass it and get there the same. I looked at my course overview and jesus christ its dreadful. Im anxious of whether I'll be able to do it or not, programming softwares? phooaah man. It's exciting to know nthat I'll be able to learn it, and also scary that it looks complicated. Im enjoying the previleges though, my course provides me with free softwares which is great, but its pretty time consuming one, also... with expense like internet requirements, plus rent to move closer. Seriously travelling there everyday has gotten me so tired. Still haven't found a place. So stress is already catching up with me from the long holiday i had lol. I think its making up for all that free time!

This is it! A new chapter of my life, its scary but Im happy that the University has good facilities and very good range of resources.

Mum's leaving next week, monday. It's pretty sad, lol. Just as when I got used to her being here and now she's leaving. That's always been the case! Yeah but i guess that's the price you pay yeah? Well anyway, I don't know. LOL. I'm pretty bummed up, i hate being alone. In the whole australia, im the only one living here with no family. How dodgey lol? But once I get busy I think I'll get distracted, with all these gloomy and blue issues.

I've started pre reading my book, to be prepared, that's what the prof said. He grouped emailed everyone telling us what to do and stuff and that was really good help, also provided a site of good resources and toturials and all that, so that when we get there we wont be clueless of what to do, i wonder if anyone else is doing it, or am i the only one being paranoid? and being a geek?

My stomach curls just thinking about all the units of work to do!

Music and everything else

2009-03-03T16:57:00.002+11:00

For some odd reason, i thought about all the blessings that I have. I seem to do that when I've lost hope, trying to find a reason to bring myself up again. Most of the time it works.

Music, has become a big part of my life since i was very little, I started singing probably before i could talk. I never realized how much music has influenced me in my life until today, lol. I was listening to music, and it was soulful, some songs i could relate to a lot, some songs that made me cry. It's just nice to know, that somewhere im not the only one. The gift of singing, somehow takes out the burden, of hurt, pain, and longing.

Im worried about the apartment, I start Uni next week, and we still haven't gotten a place yet, that means I would have to wake up really early and that would suck. Yesterday I woke up at 4.30am just to get there at 9am.

There's a hurricane here lol. wth.
I listened to this song, and it's beautiful, hope some people can relate to it too! Oh how i wish. lol

Love Story - Taylor Swift

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes and the flashback starts
I'm standing there on a balcony in summer air
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
See you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo
You were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go

And I said
Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby, just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes, escape this town for a little while

Oh, oh, oh

'Cause you were Romeo,
I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go

And I said
Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby, just say yes

Romeo, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story, baby, just say yes

I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town

And I said
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and he pulled out a ring
And said

Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, you'll pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby, just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh

We were both young when I first saw you

new school

2009-03-01T15:01:00.002+11:00

Tomorrow would the the first day ever to make an impression. First impressions last I reckon, and if it doesn't it always takes a long time to redeem a good impression. More or less, im nervous of how people would take me, if ever i'd be the lonely nerd. lol. Either way I know somehow i know I'll make new friends. The question is would they be like the friends i have now? I guess it's a process we all have to go through again.

I act as though this is my first time I've always moved school ever since I was a little girl and it has been the same feeling every single time I had to face the whole school as the new girl. I guess this time it should be easier because all of us will be new to the school. Chest tightening, stomach butterflies and the none stop giggling is what i get. I don't know why but i laugh like a bloody hyena when i get all shy and embarrast. Yes i make myself look like an idiot.

5 years old, was the first time I had to try and sleep because I was so anxious about the next day, I had to move to 3 kindergarden schools because i wasn't getting along with the little brats. Then finally I had settled down in one school. Grade 2 I had to move schools again, and I was new, the 'new catholic girl' I was known as moving into a 'iglesia ni kristo' / 'church of england' school. I sstood there lead the prater as I watched them with shocked faces as i did the sign of the cross. How was I supposed to know? LOL. Grade 3 I moved to North Williamstown primary school, and they all spoke to me so slow, as if i didn't understand english this time i was known as 'the new chocolate faced girl', yes i earned that title lol. I didn't even have to work hard for it too! Grade 4 I moved to Marymount, the first school i actually stayed in for a while, I skipped a grade when i moved back to australia, i was supposed to be in year 9, but i went straight to year 10. Again with the slow talking, suprised as the year level coordinator she goes "oh, you have an aussie accent!" Graduate there at MSJ for highschool, leaving me behind from my friends in Marymount, I watched them graduate before me, they had a little slideshow of how it was througout the years, I wasn't even in one of the photos :'( And now, Deakin University. Oh god, another process, I wonder what title I'll earn this time.

Anxious, I wonder when were going to be able to get an apartment. Frustrated as well because it seems like a very hard process. So tomorrow, I have to travel for about 2 hours just to get to Deakin. And if we don't get one soon, it'll be a 2 hour process of going to and from Deakin. By the time ill get home, id be too tired to eat.

Besides all that anxiety and nervousness, and frustration, I am sort of excited, I am now an official University student! Which sounds great! Lol.

Dreadful

2009-02-26T16:43:00.002+11:00

I wonder, if anything i do or say has relevance at all.

Nervous about next week, schools in melbourne have this thing called, WEEK O where it acts as an orientation before WEEK 1 actually starts. I wonder how it would be, being an alien, being so unfamilar with the place. I'd probably look like an idiot and yet again, I must take into consideration that other people must feel like me aswell. Still, the thought of meeting new people is quite scary. I dread each day as it grows closer.

My mums here for a visit. It's funny. She complains about everything, It doesn't bother me at all, i quite miss it. I'd rather hear it than not have her here at all. Im happy because then it wouldn't be too hard to do the house hunting anymore. It's annoying how when we first did it with adult supervision, no one seemed to care, because we're teenagers. It's unfair.

I wish somehow that i lived with my family in the philippines but, i also think about how hard I worked to get to where I am, and doing so, would just a complete waste of my hard work. I'm sort of happy, it gets easier each day, but still i think about it. Think about friends that i want to be with there, people i want to spend time with.

No one seems to care though, that i think of this, no seems to care if i was there. It's as though my efforts are taken for granted. Enough about that, I don't want to try and fit a circle into a square. If im not wanted, then that's the end of it. I don't want to hear it anymore. I just cant be bothered.

I think that when Uni starts ill get myself busy, and ill be stressed out, but atleast id be a lot happier without all this in my mind.

where were you when i needed you?

2009-02-15T23:54:00.002+11:00

If only people could understand every single thing that goes into my mind. Call me insane i don't care, but somehow no matter how much i try to put into words how missrable i feel it's like everyone just ignores this notion, and just nod their heads like nothing wrong.

Last night, i burst out into tears, hid it from everyone like i always did, but this time i couldnt do it, do it alone. Things that were bad were put into though and i knew it wasnt leading into no good. I couldn't talk to anyone. No one seemed to care, people i trusted didn't bother or made an effort as i cried like mofo, on the phone. Who do i turn to really? Who? I eventually reduced to sending my mother an embarassing message showing weakness. Yeat again i showed her weakness.

It's all too late now, nothing can be changed, no action can be done, when everything is in place. What do you, when no matter how hard you try to froget the pain, when you're left alone you just cant help but feel reatardedly emotional. Realising that no one really cared of my state, of how fucked up i am, i couldn't help but cry even more. I was crying like a baby crawling up like an idiot. Then i felt my heart tightening, felt my throat gasping for air, as if it was my only way to surive, i try subsequently to breathe into a straw-like hole. What do i do? I run outside, hearing nothing but my sobs and hizz..I try to wake up my bestfriend and cry cry even more, could not explain what was going on because i myself didn't know.

By then my heart was beating faster, felt like i couldn't take anymore puff of that pump. So i stop. Stop and i try to breathe as slowly as i can throught the straw. Then the straw slowly became bigger, and all i feel is my heart racing, tears falling from my eyes, as i willingly gave up and told her everything. Then i fall asleep with nothing in my head but it.

frustration

2009-02-14T10:32:00.002+11:00

What do you do in these circumstances? Frustration gets ahead of you, and you have no way of getting rid of it, but itstead it just gets agitated. It's annoying. I've given up, given up to its cruel and painful embrace.

I seriously just give up, I've decided to just stay, it seems that school is more important as to my emotional capabilities. I'd just stick with that point. Nothing else, nothing more.

I should be happy for crying out loud. This is bloody retarded.

retarded

2009-02-11T19:37:00.003+11:00

I sit here wondering this will all be over, wondering if there was any hope left, wondering if i was even allowed to have hope or some sort of faith. Somehow i wish that I didn't care at all. I wish I was cold as a rock, hard as a rock, strong as a rock.

I somehow try to replace the sadness with a temporary happiness, of music, I dance hysterically to just somehow get all the pain, hate, anger, frustration and everything else out. Or ill furiously try to push back the piercing that is completely fucked up on my ear right now, the stud is in the middle of the hole. -_- it doesn't seem to work as my mouth waters with the stinging pain. I think i need to go doctors to get it fixed, maybe they'll numb it and yank it out.

The thought of cleaning, eating, crosses my mind and yet i don't find the urge to. Sleep, and drink is what i think as i smell the smoke that's seems to be stuck it. I somehow wish everything will be fine, but somehow i know it won't be. There is so much i want to say and yet i refrain myself, im too much afraid to look idiotic and pathetic.

I question myself, does anyone know what im going through? Or does anyone think that ill just get over it? Because really i cant. Everything i love i can't have. Im not speaking in terms of material things.

God this is pathetic.

a thought

2009-02-08T16:20:00.002+11:00

It's been a while since i have posted something. Today I decided to let out my thoughts. Thoughts about things that i cannot simply express through words, as i feel as though if i break silence and say what i have to say, someone would just interrupt and then my thoughts would become irrelevant.

Like i have posted before, this subject had crossed my mind again. Why do we love people? Why the hell is love existing? when all it causes in the end is pain. And why does it mostly fuck up are emotional control abilities? A lot more questions leave me frustrated. What is love really? Can anyone please define love as it is? People see love in different ways which makes it harder to get along and have a matual understanding.

Some people go through instances where all they experience of love is not in a fairytale relationship. Nothing can ever be perfect in life. Because..if it was, it wouldn't be life at all. We manage to risk our own, regardless of the thought of pain that we will face as consequence we still are able to gather up that strength and expose ourselves. May it be once, or over and over again. Like as if we never learn from our mistakes. Things like love, that make us vulnarable and put us pain, make us stronger everyday, knowing that everyday we try to endure every little pain that we try ever so much to diminish. Regardless of how much effort, we cannot ommit the memories that seem like a dream. Its frustrating when that dream becomes real, but it only happens for such a short period of time, that thinking about it, makes you think, if you've gone absolutely berserk, and created your own reality. Was it really real? Did it really happen. Things that seem so perfect, and felt like it too, make us want more as it is in human nature. The more you can't have something, the more it makes the longing fonder, even the love that can never seem to exist.

What is love really? Is love about relationships and being in it, and simply saying the words that you do? Or is it something so impossible that all it causes is pain. Will i ever find another? find another that is possible...all i can do now is dream. Even though dreaming would only agrivate the pain but still in my dream all things are possible.

Forgetting and letting go. You can never really forget someone, it is simply not possible unless you have some mental disability. In the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind" they have created an invention to erase all the painful memories. I ask myself, do I want to do that? Over and over again I come up with the same answer, NO. Why? Every good memory that we cant seem to have anymore becomes bad. It hurts, yes, bnut thats how we learn, or how we become less vulnarable and become stronger. To have some sort of agility. Some sort of endurance to tolerate everything. I probably don't even make sense anymore. I feel like i've just been babbling on with nothing. No intellect idea, no point but simply just a thought, that i cannot seem to understand myself and arrange in such a manner that other people would understand.

Philippines Holiday 4

2009-01-10T03:54:00.001+11:00

DAMPA ~

Has a wide range of seafood, it had a market in front of the restaurants that would cook the food for you. In the philippines this is very possible. It was fun walking around there, lol a lot of people offering me fish saying "this maam, very good for pretty girls" oh really? since when did fish have connection with being physically attractive? ANyway we were walking around and we had our driver walking behind us, and we stopped, then we were about to walk off when we looked at our driver and a gay guy was talking to him, this gay guy looked like a lady, i kid you not, he had long hair, skinny jeans and a well fitted top. "Maam, he's courting me ah, why is he like that?" lol. I must have laughed so much just walking along the single isle of that market. There were so many of them women looking men, and they were very friendly and funny! They joke a lot.

Then we went to the restaurant, and boy i ate a lot! A LOT. That the tube top seemed like it wasn't a good idea that night. But i tried to keep my cool as i walked in my 3 inch high stilletos. Boy i love those heels, but their not mine, it's my mums. LOL. I only buy chucks, that's about it. LOL.

BAGABERDE

Green flame as it would be translated. Is a place where live bands play, we went after we went to eat at Dampa. We had a few drinks. It's a good place! a lot of people you get to chill, relax and just watch the band play. Little did i know what the reason was that my mum took us there. "FAT SESSION" the band, was very good, the ladies had lovely voices and so did the man. They called me up on stage and i refused to go up, it didn't help that everyone in my table was pushing me off my chair, and some that were across from me were just looking at the singers while pointing their fingers at me. I dID NOT LIKE THIS!!!! lol. There were so many people. ANyway...they let me go this time and kept singing some songs, did some jokes it was very entertaining, then they did it again, called out my name, and b y this time, i had the instinct that i wasn't going to get away with it anymore. LOL. And yes, i was right... The male singer got off stage and held my hand to go up the stage. JESUS CHRIST. My heart was thumping, and i couldn't stop giggling. I knew i wasn't going to sing right, i knew they were better and it would just be too embarassing! There i was up on stage with every eye on me. EVERY DARN FUCKING PEOPLE looking at me like i had the answer to living life. "NO NO" i thought to myself. "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST i cant believe im doing this", as i grabbed the microphone they gave me. "OMG im going to faint" i thought, as i stared again amongst the crown. I couldn't say no...not now. There's no escaping this...like that time i got a belly piercing that ive always wanted, and when i saw how fat the needle was...there i was giggling away. I was giggling on stage, my mum said.. i was giggling too much that my eyes werent visible. LOL. She also said she had never seen me so pale. My knee caps were jumping up and down, i wish i was that excited as them. -_- They asked me questions for a while, then bagged my aussie accent. LOL. The music played. "i can't believe im doing this.." it kept playing, i looked at my table and let out the words "i hate you!" Then... a familiar voice came out.. it sounded nervous but it was okay. OMG. i sucked.... -_- hmmph. but it was fun! lol.

Here are the photos of that night!
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=57159&id=732331044
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=57567&id=732331044

Philippines Holiday 3

2009-01-08T16:23:00.001+11:00

Philippines – Food & Hot Weather ~

I’ve never appreciate my shower sessions ever so much before. Every drip of water that has contact with my body every second is somehow appreciated. Somehow the problem and the worry about not having hot water seems like it doesn’t matter here. Regardless of the fact that it is the rainy season here, it doesn’t add any sort of coolness. Somehow it is just wet and humid which is even worse than just a regular hot day.
All that doesn’t matter though, it’s all part of the excitement! I’ve been eating none stop everyday in the Philippines like the water from my shower I cherish the food too. Although it is weird, having KFC chicken with rice I still ate it, watching lily having chicken with spaghetti is even more odd, but she said it was good. I also love my all time boyfriend Jolibee, he doesn’t seem to mind that I cheat on him with Ronald McDonald. He, my little stinging friend, has weird food yet very yummy! It’s really funny how most of their food has Jolly written before each meal. Jolly hotdog, Jolly Spaghetti lol!

There’s also the famous dishes like sinigang, batchoy, palabok, adobo…from different restaurants.. mMmMmmm.

Congo Grille ~

Congo Grille, is famous for it’s Filipino food, efficiency and hospitality. We ordered ‘beer day’ as what it’s called. A waiter nervously comes up towards me and had given me the receipt and according to him, for the purpose of the promo, I am entitled to fill out the receipt with details for further promo crap. I thought “oh okay cool free beer one day!” so I trusted this and obviously filled it out.
The next day I received two text messages from two different waiters of congo grille. With this idiotic act they clarified that they were waiters working there, even mentioned their names. I felt so violated, it may seem shallow but this is infringing my privacy! It is a very petty act. It is a very stupid way of getting my number. I was furious! And then I calmed down and complained to the branch of the restaurant explaining my point of view, in a calm and reasonable tone. I do not wish for them to be fired, I just informed the restaurant of their action to avoid doing this with other customers. Aggghh.
The messages weren’t even sweet or smooth or anything! “hello po.. how are you?, Im *TOOT* from congro grille the tall waiter, you know na?” -_- pick which language you want to speak man! What does he expect me reply? “ay, no I don’t know you eh, who ikaw ba? Hindi me know you.” *asian accent* -_- seriously? I tried calling him the first time to know who he was, he was too chicken to even answer his phone. The second time he answers it then hangs up. Very brave move… I see progress here. He doesn’t seem to know the concept of conversing. “hello gerlee how are you na?” another number said. -_- ><’ “hi, boyee, Im okay lang, how is you na?” maybe I should have said that. Lol.

Karaoke ~

I am officially 99% good of a singer according to timezone. LOL! They have Karaoke in timezone! LOL! HAHA. It’s hilarious they have their own little cubicle sort of thing/ room. With a limit of four people only. HEHE. It was embarrassing as the walls were glass -_- everyone was staring at my tonsils isn’t that great? LOL.

Philippines Holiday 2

2009-01-06T00:51:00.003+11:00

Danielle’s 6th Birthday ~
I got to sit at the grownup table. It wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be when I was little. I still am little, but you get what I mean. They talk about the most random things that it’s hilarious. You’d think they would talk about productive things you’d learn from, conversation with full intellect. I guess their just like us teenagers just all grown up. With jobs and families. I wonder if one day someone would think I was hilarious too, I mean I would think I’m hilarious. LOL. Danielle was so happy that it was very touching to see my little sister tear up with joy. It’s amazing how shallow their happiness is, I wish I was a kid again. If I was a kid, simple things like bubbles would excite me, what’s up with it anyway? Popping bubbles is just overrated, you don’t benefit from it. I guess growing up you want more, want more things that you don’t even need. Then again a simple gesture of showing love and care worked for my family, my sister was happy and that made us happy. Until all the other little girls pulled out their Nintendo DS and Danielle’s DS was enjoying itself charging at home. So Danielle sat there, feeling out of place, walked out of the restaurant and cried. Meanwhile, me and my aunt Bambi, along with Lily, planned a little *gmik as they would call it.
Ascend Club ~
I didn’t think it was a club but sadly it was, I hate clubs. To me clubs had a lot of sleazy guys that looked absolutely disgusting. It’s hot and in no position to have to ability of confabulating. To be able to sit at a table we had to order a bottle, we ordered Absolut Rasberry, it was yummy! Haha. At first I was hesitant to dance, I thought that it was too embarrassing. God. And then there it was, my song, it played! “Shorty had them apple bottom jeans” and there was that electric shock that run all around my hips, as it subconsciously elevated itself from the comfortable half donut shaped seat. “boots with the fur, and the whole club was looking at her” god damn, by this time I was dancing. I got tipsy this night but not drunk. I was too worried about my mum’s friend and my auntie. So yes I tried staying sober.
I wasn’t wrong about what I said, after that whole dance I pulled off, a guy in the top hat, was eying me and slowly made his way, as I sat down, I saw from the corner of my eye that he pulled away. Not long after, as I came back from the restroom, he was there sitting at our table, introducing his way around the table, he said his name, but hmm.. I don’t remember. Another guy, in the red, ‘shrek’ we called him, was dancing disgustingly behind my auntie, I pulled my auntie towards me as he was looking at her ass while he was dancing behind her. He tried sitting there, but since they weren’t allowed the waiters told them to go away. I felt so important lol. There was a bouncer next to our table and 2 waiters just blocking the way to get in, so that no one sat there. Everyone whispered, pretending that they weren’t talking about our table, jesus Christ women! Is this 5th grade? Hmm.. the whole look at me and then look away and then look again and then whisper to a friend, then friend looks. Yeah.. very smooth guys. I was dancing, and then a waiter made a move to grab an empty can of Sprite, and then I burnt him with my cigarette. Poor guy, I think I annoyed him by apologizing more than necessary. I was embarrassed!

It was something different, the ability to smoke inside and drink, it was good at the same time bad, because everyone seems to be a smoker in the Philippines, maybe is because the cigarettes are cheap, its around 30 pesos per deck, that’s barely an Australian dollar!
After that we went home. I prefer pubs, I like to sit down drink, and talk, until I get drunk. LOL. I like learning new things from people, you learn new things everyday from just a simple conversation. Seriously if we didn’t leave that place I would have gotten a seizure from the lights.

Frustration ~
Have you ever wanted something so bad that you can’t get it!? Well I’m in that state. I want to shop, I see things I want to buy but my parents won’t give me money to shop lol! There are also other things that frustrate me. Oh well, that’s life, nothing always goes your way.
My best friend here in the Philippines just arrived from her vacation in America yesterday, and I haven’t seen her. L She told me she’d come see me but she hasn’t! Huhu. It’s frustrating.
I also miss people in Australia, but I also want to be here because I like spending time with my Family ,then again, another frustration!

Philippines Holiday 2

2009-01-06T00:51:00.001+11:00

Philippines Holiday

2009-01-05T14:34:00.003+11:00

Trip to Manila ~

Arriving here with such familiarity in my hands made me happy. It didn't feel like i was home, but it felt like it was still a part of me, and that was such a wonderful feeling. A lot of urges came through me, what was the first dish i was going to eat?! When do i start drinking? Isaw? Barbeque?! It was all too exciting, so as i walked up to the immigration lady, with her grumpy face, i took in a deep breath and whispered i can do this. "Hello, how are yah?" i said with my Australian accent. "Great, just great.." i thought to myself as I was so sure that the words were going to come out in Filipino and yet it came out in English. "hmmrmph" she replied with no sense of welcoming tone at all. Maybe it was because i was down at the 'visitors' line not at the 'balikbayan' (home coming sort of thing) line.

The most scary part that happened to me on the plane on the way to Manila was that a man was in front of me. He was a bit intoxicated the time he started talking to me and Lily. He talked about random crap, it was funny you know, it was good, i loved socializing. "oh crap" i though to myself as I revealed an information every middle aged man wanted to know: 18, alone in Melbourne, visiting parents in the Philippines. Just great Alyssa you and your bloody big mouth. So he continues talking asking me for my number, he hesitates and then continues to talk about a lady in Melbourne that could take care of me, well i thought that's nice, maybe i could talk to her if ever i needed help or something, but then i thought, hmm, i have my mums friends there that can be trusted, like the man from the filipino store, and norm. So he said he'll give me her number instead of getting my number so that i don't get the wrong idea. Yeah right. Sleaze. We stopped talking, he starts talking to the man next to him. This Filipino man looked tiny compared to this man, he was offering to help him, but the man starts screaming at him with rage, anger… furious as he is, he complained that the Filipino man fiddled with his phone, *configuring* with his phone, he looked like he was hiding something or guilty of something, why else would he be so defensive. He demanded for the Filipino man’s passport details. The man kindly replied “Why? I did nothing, I was just trying to help you” now to me that is very polite, although he had fear in his eyes, he made it very convincing that he was calm and that he wasn’t guilty of anything, this probably made the other man even. By this time we were all standing getting our bags, waiting for the exit doors to open on the plane, man… still yelling at the filipino man. As I walked pass them, the Filipino man attempted to walk out ( he was sitting in the window seat, therefore trapped as the intoxicated angry ugly man was sitting on the isle seat – 2 seated ) The drunk man stood up and as I turned my head towards them, I saw the Filipino man helpless with his arms up, covering his face with his sling bag, and the tall angry man hitting him. I quickly ran to one of the steward man. I don’t know what you call them, and told them a man needed help as he was attacked by a drunk man. I’ve never had that happen to me on the plane before and it was just all too scary, as we were sitting right behind him.

Arrival ~

Arrived at Manila, felt the heat right away, as I walked out of the airport. Heat, noise, the smell was just different, it wasn’t disgusting, it was different and familiar, an I loved it. Loved every bit of my existence there at that moment. I walked out with a smile on my face, as a man with a broom said “Merry Christmas Maam” One of the thing I loved about the Philippines. They have so much faith in everything, regardless of how hard their life could be, and it’s inspiring. I wish I was like that. With so much faith. Maybe it could be because that they have limited knowledge about god and alll other things that they believe in it fully, whereas I cannot, I have y doubts and yet sometimes I still do choose to believe. Just not that much faith. So then I grabbed a cigarette, and quickly lit one, looking up at the roof above me, thinking “If this was Australia I would have gotten a fine” I was loving it even more. Sydney didn’t have one smoking area. NOT EVEN ONE TINY ONE. So I had to bare that for 10 hours.. So then I walked down the very steep ramp trying to help lily with the trolly that had a mind of it’s own and went down to “w” –Watt, my dad’s last name.

Our car was a monster, it was absolutely huge, that I wondered if at night it transformed and ate people. The traffic was hilarious, the 2 lanes became 4 or 3. I wonder what people think about their driving. It’s just plain stupid. When you indicate people behind you speed up, why? It won’t make a different because we’ll all get there anyway. I just don’t get it. I had my eye on the buses though, they were creeping the shit out of me, god it was horrible! I though it was going to break with screws flying everywhere ( I have a vivid imagination - damn cartoons! ) but I made it home safe without choking in one of the screws.

Our house didn’t surprise me, our life in the Philippines is completely different. Although my life in Australia is absolutely wonderful, in the Philippines everything was just even more upsized. Can thing get anymore bigger? God. I loved the fact that the house had a pool, didn’t love the fact that the trees were covering the pool therefore making the pool freezing. I have only gone in it once since I got here.

We went to TGI Fridays and had my first legal beer in the Philippines! Haha. (not counting the years I spent here drinking red horse and san mig light. But that wasn’t legal. haha).

Christmas Shopping ~

On the 24th of December we went Christmas shopping, god that was horrible! We went to this big ass super mall “market market” in the fort, yes im a cheapy I like to buy cheap clothes that look decent. SO what?! Haha. They have good shops there too! Well anyway, I went in the area that was like “pipeworks” in Australia. It was fun everything was so cheap. HAhaha. It was hard at first because they’ll be like “250 maam” in my head im like “a-wah?? 250 bucks for that? Ehhh?” and then I realize its in pesos. So then we spent the whole day trying to look for presents and it took ages because we didn’t know where things were which made it hard for me. I went in to converse to buy my dad some cool shoes. Hahaha. Yeah, I had this argument with the lady, she didn’t seem to know the system of converse shoes -_- At first I acted all cool speaking in tagalog, and then she frustrated the shit out of me, that it was too hard to speak tagalog, because I had to carefully think about each word to use and how to construct it into a proper sentence, all this in a short second aryt. SO yes, my bad, I started speaking english. I felt so bad afterwards I must have sounded intimidating and demeaning. But that wasn’t my intention, so after that I kindly apologized and used the heat as an excuse, well it was part of it, but of it her.

Christmas ~

I love Christmas, seeing people smile with excitement as they see their names of the tags of the presents is wonderful, especially when it’s from you. I think that all little things matter, it’s always the thought that counts. And with my family, it think that matters.

Danielle, my little sister, had her own little tree. Around it were a lot of presents! More than what we had on our big tree, the presents that were supposed to be for everyone. Lol. SO then Lily was the first to open her present, from Danielle. It was a Philippine Jeepney! Haha! She loved it! I can’t enumerate everyone’s presents because that would take yonks. But, it was great, and oh my dad’s present, from me and lil, the converse, he loved it! Haha it was so cute!

Boracay ~

It was the funniest shit. The plane was so small! It was scary but the flight went smoothly. I can’t say much about Boracay, so many things happened. But digging my feet into the powder like white sand was so nice. This wasn’t the first time I went there, and yet every single time i went.. it was like my first time. Sitting there sipping on my beer watching the sun set was a wonderful feeling. Things like this, regardless of it being so normal, I still appreciate it. When you come to think of it, the beautiful things in life are taken for granted. I think about the many years that took for such beauty to exist. Boracay was still very beautiful, when I was there when I was 7 the very first time I came, it was less crowded, less building, everything was just beautifu and now there’s a lot of concrete. It became a tiny Manila.

Its sad that the beauty of the resources is ruined just for the convenience of people. My parents were awesome, they took us to go snorkling, and lily never did that before. Seeing her happy, it was like an achievement to me. It was great! It was also great to go on the “we found him!” boat that was painted like a clown fish “NEMO” in the movie “finding nemo” lol. It was glass bottom boat, it was a good experience to see all different fishes. I was going to pass on the snorlking but one of the guys on the boat was like “snorkling maam?” im like “nah.. ill pass, can’t be bothered” he goes “or are you scared?” Was he serious? Me, the water baby, and the beach bum? So I took my denim shorts off, my green sunnies, green top…flaunted my new belly piercing I bought for 500 pesos that had the dangly diamonds reflecting light from the sun. Grabbed a snorkel and dove in the water, I then bounced up into the surface and gave him a smirk, as I looked at everyone with a life jacket.

I tried going under water to get the star fish, the problem with snorkels is that because its blocking your nose, it makes your ears very painful when you dive under the water. So I didn’t want to do it. Lol.

Almost everyone had an underwater camera, it made me very conscious. I wondered of how many people that accidentally took a picture of my ass? Yeah… I wonder. Eww. My ass. ><” great.

We went back on the 31st. Everything was so busy.

Newyears ~

My dad’s idea of the fireworks is that you buy a few to intimated other houses in the Philippines and because they want to prove that they have better fireworks and more money, they’ll buy all they can get. So my dad doesn’t bother. We enjoyed watching the neighbours’ fireworks it was great. You don’t get to see that around Williamstown randomly you now? LOL.

I laid on the pavement and watched the fireworks.
As i heard my mum say "that's it. they burnt all their money" and it made me laugh. No wonder why they didn't buy so much. LOL.

Relationships

2008-12-22T11:43:00.003+11:00

What are they made up of? Somehow i try to remind myself, there is still a great deal of possibility that i will find the answer, and experience it myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is no point in exposing myself in that area if there is a lot of pain involved when things dont go well. Then again, life is full of risks, and life is unpredictable, and to be able to live, we must take the risks. A friend of mine made me realize how much pain one person can embbed in our hearts, but should that be enough reason to stop living? And isolating ourself to the wonderful experiences? These experiences can be quite painful, but they are built as obstacles in our lives so that as we grow, our experiences become less and less painful as we speak, and along with those, we become less vulnarable, learning from our mistakes and instead of regretting them, we will one day be able to hold those experiences and admit that no one can teach you how to live life, because life itself educates you.

My friend says I think to too much. I am afraid I tell you, afraid of making another mistake of my life, and yet I still have that courage to take risks, even though i know that any pain at all cannot compare to emotional pain. I keep thinking, what's the point? you give you're all, and yet somehow no one sees that, no one appreciates it. If i were to tell this to someone older, they would only say, im too young to learn this. I say no, no one has a say of what age you have to learn. Im afraid that i will make the same mistake, you know? Maybe i shouldn't be afraid. Im also afraid that i will grow old by myself with all the hate and no love.

What is love, does it truly exist? who invented such a strong and feared word? Can you truly define the meaning of it when all you think that you have it and yet you're too afraid to hold on? I don't know anymore. "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection;" as it is defined. Would love really be enough for everything or you just have to be a martyr and just suffer for someone you care so much, with only one thought in your head, that you have the obligation to make someone happy. If only everyone can think that way... then there would be no war. All there is would be peace, and nothing more, but there would still be hate, revenge and pain. How can love be so destructable? When it is supposed to be positive?

I look at my parents and see that there is love. Would that ever happen to me? Maybe there's no point in hoping. Maybe love is something you don't look for.

I give up.

Party - Party - Party!!!

2008-12-21T13:12:00.002+11:00

I went to Diannes cottilion, that was a long night! I had a tiara on haha aren't I a princess? And yeah it was really good, Dianne had a dance performance it was really beautiful i nearly cried. It was really just heart felt the way she danced it. I got to meet new people with this experience. Before Dianne's catillion i got to meet, Bon, one of the guitarist, and Ot, hehe, he was so annoying sometimes, but i was great knowing those two. I also got to meet, Alvin, he's uhm.. hmm.. i dont know he's funny, and he keeps claiming Annie as his sister, lol. I got to meet Cernes, great guy, was good to hang out with all of them, at the after party! haha. Then we had Maccas! yey!

So then after getting home from Dianne's after party, i went home with lily, and then we slept considering we didn't have any sleep at all that whole night. And then we woke up to get ready for Nicole's birhtday party, it was great, yes there was more drinking again. Haha. It was all fun! ;)

The Talk

2008-12-17T03:42:00.001+11:00

It was hilarious. I wanted to see if I could be strong about it, and yes I definitely was. I hate him so much that I couldn’t be forgiving. It found that he couldn’t answers my questions as he was guilty of what he has done. For once I was chuckling inside knowing that I done nothing wrong which I was proud of while talking to him. On the other line, he fell silent. As I was filling him with questions that I had been longing to get answers for, to somehow get it over with, and somehow forget about it, and yet he could not come up with any reason. His reason for his ignorance and inhumane actions towards me was because he was always high on marijuana, and that he did not know what he was doing, that he was lying to me all that time, saying he had never done it ever since we got together.

Is that really a good excuse? Should I just forget everything just because he was victimized with the addiction with marijuana? I didn’t give him that marijuana did i? I guess stealing my digital camera, and two of my phone gave him the money to do that. Who could ever do that to their girlfriend really? The promise of love just seems irrelevant when I come to think of it. He had called to say his feelings, so what now? Do I just forget everything? Just because he was a having a hard time with his girlfriend he just suddenly thought of me. I find that fucking hilarious. Excuse my cursing.

I don’t know if I can ever forgive him, he seems to have the courage to talk to me whenever I’m about to send myself of to the Philippines. I wonder how his exes forgave him, I wonder if they have gotten through worse. I called him cowardly as he cried there saying he was scared of me. Scared? Really what I had said was nothing compared to everything he has done to me.

So I will drop this subject, it is not even worth my time. Not worth thinking about, coz seriously, I don’t give a crap of how he feels when he doesn’t even give a shit about what I had felt, and what I feel now, because if he had, then he wouldn’t yell at me to say that I have to understand what he’s going through. Why should i? I really couldn’t come up with any reasons why I should.

This was a complete waste of my time as nothing was established from it and nothing was resolved at all.

Distraction

2008-12-15T23:44:00.002+11:00

To get my mind off from the results this morning, i had gotten myself busy busy creating a layout. Then i decided to make an account on createblog. which is really annoying because it takes a week to approve my layout. -_-

So i was thinking of just making a website and putting everything in it. hmm maybe i should do that.

Bicycle

2008-12-14T00:17:00.002+11:00

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”

Is life really like riding a bicycle? I know it's not supposed to be not hypothetically speaking, but i wish it were that easy! But then again, it would be too easy for everyone. I guess im just really worried about my results that are coming out tomorrow, its really scary. What if i dont get the result i want? I don't want to disappoint anyone. It would completely bring me down, because i worked so hard this year.

Im so scared, maybe im under estimating myself? but everytime i try to think positive i somehow feel like i might jinx it. It's like im holding my breath for such a long time, and my heart is supposed to slow its beating but it just keeps getting faster as the day closes in.

All my friends are smart, and i feel like if i get a low score it would just lower my self esteem because they would all be so excited about their high scores, and i would just be sitting there wishing i had a high score too, and it really saddens me. Plus my parents. I don't want to disappoint them... im going to visit them in less than 2 weeks what am i going to do if i dont get the score i wanted? I wouldn't have the face to show.

omg.

Black out

2008-12-13T17:10:00.001+11:00

When is this net going to stop killing itself really?
This is my second post that I haven’t posted into my blog due to the net being down. The power went off today, for about 2 hours and then it went back again. I should probably fix the net.

So I’m sitting outside watching the trees sway heavily, watching the rain pouring along with the cold breeze. I love the sound of the rain I just don’t like being in it. I sit here wondering, if I wrote a novel about my life would anyone read it? I strongly doubt it, it’s probably too ordinary. I bought my first legal wine today, it was awesome. Although to some people like in the Philippines it wouldn’t matter since you can get alcohol regardless of what your age was.

I hate thunder, I wake up in the middle of the night frightened when I hear it. It’s scary. I also hate clowns. Clowns are scary to me. Somehow I feel empty, have I resorted to the fact that I cant live without the internet? The assumptions, screaming in my head of whether I got an important email. Do I have any new comments in myspace, or is anyone important online? It’s like I want to savour every moment.

I am officially bored.

__________

BY NOW THE NET IS BACK because now i am able to post this.

Passion

2008-12-12T17:05:00.000+11:00

What is passion? Can anyone really defy the meaning of it when it involves a strong emotion? I cannot simply give my understanding of it because it is impossible for me to explain it thoroughly. If I did defy it in my own word and understanding it would be completely irrelevant to someone else’s point of view, thus making mine void and biased.

Passion of hatred accompanied by the past is hard to tame, it is hard to forget and hard to ignore. It is completely impossible to hide, as past haunts you and the past claws it’s way out. I am haunted by my passion of hatred. Every time I am reminded of it, it’s as if I’m that same human being crawled up in my bed with tears of betrayal. However I strongly think that I am not that same person. Although I am haunted by my past I still am capable of being strong about it.

He, my past has clawed his way out. He was able to cultivate that hidden pain I had left behind. I don’t know if he doesn’t realize the pain he has embedded in my heart. I have had this conversation with him, he thinks that I still have this sort of ‘love’ stored in me, like as if I had waited for that moment for him to talk to me, waited for him to talk to me like it was the most wanted day of my life. If I had told him everything, every single composition of that grudge and that strong and held passion of hate, I would have been cruel, I would have made him somehow feel regret and feel the pain that he had caused me, and yet despite of being the strong, the person as I am, cannot just put my morals into side. I could have done it, but I knew then that it wouldn’t have made any difference, it has been done, the pain has already been caused. It wouldn’t change anything except him feeling bad about it. As selfish as I am, somehow I do want do want him to feel that way. Regardless of the fact that I know he doesn’t give any shit about it.

You can see or feel if someone is being sincere about their apology. Yes he apologized after 2 years. To me, that is cowardly, cowardly to do it in the way of instant messaging rather than a formal phone call. To me is cowardly, cowardly, cowardly… a coward. I know I may seem repetitive going on and on about this. How can I not? I cannot take back what happened when I was 15, I wish I hadn’t been with him, and yet I think that I do not regret it.

He has taught me one thing. Not all things, always appear as they seem. I was so trustful of everyone that I had always gotten hurt, always being taken granted for, and always abused by my kindness. He had caused me a great deal of pain, despite the fact of going through it, it was excruciating and yet I am thankful for that because now I am not as vulnerable.

It is cruel and sadistic for me not to accept his apology, but it’s not like he would care. I know he doesn’t. I know that he just did it because he simply wanted to clear his name, and offcourse he knew I was coming home to visit.

The nerve. The nerve to even try, that only proves that he knows nothing. He had taken away everything from me that I had nothing left to give, and yet he kept wanting and wanting more, and taken me for granted. And when I was all out of things to give, he simply consumed a new form attention from someone else. Someone I had known, and someone I was close with, someone he had as an ally, like in war to bring me down completely and take over my heart and crushes it, took advantage of the fragility of it, and seeing their smile of being victorious makes me sick. I can play it over and over again in my head. Play that voice of laughter, it makes me hurl. It’s not some form of punishment I had put my self into it was like a reminder, whenever I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I know this seems shallow, that a 16 year old, couldn’t have experience that sort of passion. Like I said, no one can defy passion, whatever kind of passion it is.

I cannot hide it, I really do hate him. I hate him with the greatest passion. I am happy about it. I simply think that he, is not worth talking to. He is not worth of my time. As I feel big about myself, when it comes to him. I’m so above everything which involves him that I can see him on the ground, like an ant. I used to respect him as person and that would have been a great deal, and yet to him, I was nothing. Nothing.

I wonder why, really I really wonder why I stayed through that year even though I knew that he was treating me like crap. I think I just thought it was the real deal. I even thought he was out of my league, like I wasn’t qualified. I think that’s what they call blinded by love. Its ridiculous. Ridiculous that he can go around saying that I was one of his ex’s, it find the horrifying. It is horrible, the thought of is just horrible.

I have decided that it is not worth it, he’s not worth me hating him. I look at him that way, that way that I even think that he doesn’t deserve my hatred towards him. He deserves nothing from me. I pity every girl that will cross his way. Every single sweet and innocent girls that have a lot to offer in the world. Someone that is like me, he does not deserve to know and experience it anymore, he does not deserve it. Not even a little. I LOATH EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT HIM.

I didn’t know the science and genetic could actually put together cells and create such a selfish and narcissist human being as him.

BECAUSE.
It is a waste of life.
Offering it to him.

The last word I said to him before the other day was “I DESPISE I YOU” and I have no intention of taking it back.

My 18th

2008-12-11T12:35:00.003+11:00

My invitation.

Yesterday went okay, turned out aryt anyway, i got great presents. Anh and steph got me a tshirt with bar pins on it, bar pins, that had I <3>

I somehow feel tired, haha. The day made me really tired, haha. We watched spiderman, and drank everytime they mentioned 'spiderman' which is really funny. The last time we did that we were watching Harry Potter, and everytime they said Harry we had to drink, we finished a whole bottle of Jagermaister in 6 minutes into the movie because they said harry so many times. No one got drunk last night just in their happy places. :) it was hilarious.

We had 'sex on the beach cocktail' and one of my friends brought Malibu, which tasted really nice. No one drank shots, the night was relaxing by chilling with friends and it was good. Im so drained but happy.

My little sister called me in the morning yesterday to greet me happy birthday which was really nice. :) I miss her so much. SHe said she has a present for me, she's so god damn gorgeous and adorable, i love her to death.

We took some photos, but i only got to upload the photos from my camera, haha, lily has most of them but i don't have the chord for her camera which sucks. haha. we had some good photos there. Click here to view them.

The party to be

2008-12-10T17:46:00.006+11:00

I don't know what im so worked up about. I'm just upsetting myself for no reason. It's like, it's my birthday and yet no one is participating. It's just upsetting, everyone was so excited that we were going to get into the spa and yet now one goes "im not going in the spa" and then followed by another "oh yeah me too", anyone else? and then a few minutes later "im going to bed early" followed by, "oh yeah she can't stay long either" anymore? It's all pilling up and it's just upsetting me. I now im sitting in my laptop alone. While everyone is watching TV, what happened to socializing? what happened to the fact that they are in my house? the fact that it's my birthday? doesn't that matter anymore?

The Photo shown on the left, is my attempt to bake a cake, only the cupcakes look retarted because there wasn't any of those metal things, to mold the porper shape, just the paper. So yeah.

Listening to:
Song: Dirrty
Artist:Christina Aguilera
Album:Stripped

Happy 18th Birthday to me!!

2008-12-10T13:19:00.004+11:00

Also happy birthday to, christina, andy, and monique!
So what have i dont so far for my birthday? I have done html again. hahaa, making a "now listening to table thingy magigie. Well anyway, it's supposed to be more petite coz when i was doing it on a html practice website to view how it looks like it was pretty. hehe, but when i put it here it went fat.

Well anyway, 18 doesn't seem like a big number and yet it is somehow big aswell, i know it doesn't make sense, but somehow you'll understand why.
ANyway, i love this song called "halo" by Bethany, she's Haley James Scott from One tree hill, she also sang it on one of the episode. It is an adorable song!!

Listening to:
Song: Halo
Artist:Bethany Joy Lenz
Album: Friends with Benefit

20 minutes till my 18th birthday!!!

2008-12-09T23:37:00.002+11:00

Yes yes, in 20 minutes i will be 18!! well in the philippines it would be a lot mre, but im in australia so who cares?! haha. Lexi and Lily will give me their presents!! ;) Yey

Im sort of excited.

heh

2008-12-09T15:34:00.002+11:00

Oh my god, shes so ugly what am I so worked out about?

I posted this thing on multiply, about how i feel forgotten, i got so many replies, it made me smile and it made my eyes water, i was so happy, that even little things friends remember. Like Ralph C. for instance remembered that little games we played, because somehow we always sat close to each other. haha. I used to annoy the crap out of him, i don't know why he never hated me, he was just always been so nice.

I remember, me and karl were like the media freaks, besides OJ who left yonks before highschool. Well me and Karl always had a camera in hand, when something came up we'd take the pictures, i don't know where all the photos went to though. But i made this perseverance website ages ago, and looking back at the pictures made me smile, there was a photo of me taking a photo of Karl that's taking a photo of me. haaha. I can't remember the username and password though. ahaha.

We always did random shit, we left out one of those biscuit things with a the thingy in the middle, and then not long enough after, the ants were all over it, so we took a picture of that too. Whenever we couldn't be bothered writing notes, the camera came in handy. haha.

My marymount days had bad memories, and yet the good memories always stand out,until now, i will never hate my mates there.

I remember my korean friends, it was hilarious whenever they got angry! "ASHIBALLL" and whenever it got too hot, "CHUMNA DUPTA" haha. Yes how sad of me. ANYONG to all of you, and i miss you all so much. They always gave me hand massage, it was really good. And then i played this korean game card with them, it was so confusing. haah!! but lee always taught me how to play it.

And the boys who talk about their sex life, seemed like it was just part of our daily routine. ALong with someone yelling out "YUCK ANO BA YAN!" which is pretty hilarious. We've all grown up so fast!!

I wonder, i really wonder.. if sir. gav is still the same. I would love to see him. Who always teased me. he was so meaaaan! and yet i don't know why i passed history, i was terrible at it.

ANYWAY HERE'S WHAT I POSTED ON MULTIPLY.

One thing is clear, that not all of us have kept our promises to each other as we all graduated. Everyone went their separate ways, but that doesn't mean we have to lose contact!I somehow feel forgotten, by my friends, just because i have moved out of the country 4 years ago!! There is no other way i could think of, of how we can all keep communicating to somehow talk about things that have been happening.I miss you all so much, especially people who were in my year level. I wish you all kept in touch you know?? And no matter how much i tried, if i created a page for all of us to contribute experiences no one would ever remember it. So please email me!! sweet.kiwii@hotmail.comYou can also add this onto Yahoo Messenger, you just have to enter the full email. You can also contact me on my website.http://demonic-angel.co.nrI doubt that if you message me, that i would check it, its highly unlikely, all i check here are comments. haha. ;)SHOW ME YOU STILL REMEMBER THE LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD THE LOUDEST SCREAM with a lot of voice to offer.
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spike0122 wrote on Dec 7
hugmeh saidOne thing is clear, that not all of us have kept our promises to each other as we all graduated. Everyone went their separate ways, but that doesn't mean we have to lose contact!I somehow feel forgotten, by my friends, just because i have moved out of the country 4 years ago!! There is no other way i could think of, of how we can all keep communicating to somehow talk about things that have been happening.I miss you all so much, especially people who were in my year level. I wish you all kept in touch you know?? And no matter how much i tried, if i created a page for all of us to contribute experiences no one would ever remember it. So please email me!! sweet.kiwii@hotmail.comYou can also add this onto Yahoo Messenger, you just have to enter the full email. You can also contact me on my website.http://demonic-angel.co.nrI doubt that if you message me, that i would check it, its highly unlikely, all i check here are comments. haha. ;)SHOW ME YOU STILL REMEMBER THE LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD THE LOUDEST SCREAM with a lot of voice to offer.
hello..

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tinyap13 wrote on Dec 7
hahaha :)) beb aust ako ngayon ;) i miss youu!!!

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blissfulangel wrote on Dec 7
aly! ayiie, i still haven't forgotten you:)

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aaangel999 wrote on Dec 7
alyssa, hindi kita nakalimutan.. i just visited your multiply last week, im happy that your doing good and nice accent. :) advance happy birthday, that's one thing i don't forget.. I miss you too and take care! :) how are you na?

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miccel wrote on Dec 7
;)

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tawnylove wrote on Dec 7
SIS!! I miss you!

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wackyartist32 wrote on Dec 7
nako aly!! "THE LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD THE LOUDEST SCREAM" da best sigaw mo!! hahahaha tnx nga pla sa pagcomment dun sa pic na mukha akong neyo poser hehehe :) sorry kung hindi ako nkakapagparamdam, kahit iba ntin kabatch wala din ako balita, busy ako sa studies kasi.. anyways, hope you're ok!! ingats!! i'm doing good :)

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caffeineandpills wrote on Dec 7
yeyea :) how you been? missyou bebe.

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yours4thetaking wrote on Dec 7
hey we havent forgotten you,you know..busy busy lng ako ngaun dami ginagwa haha..tandaan q pa nga mga games natin nun seatmates tayo hahah..chessmaster right!! well advance happy birthday aly...sana ok ka lagi...ingats...

Breaking Dawn

2008-12-08T20:46:00.003+11:00

WARNING: SPILLING WHAT HAPPENS SO IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW BETTER STOP READING!

I finished the book!! :) this time it took me 7 hours to finish, with break ofcourse. OMG. I can't believe it!!! It's so adorable that they have a child together, it is wonderful that bella's become a vampire to be with Edward forever!!! NAWWW so cute.

I just found the description of the birthing system disturbing. haha. Breaking rib after rib and then pelvis and the spine. Im surprised she didn't die instantly considering that the brain would have been dead because of her snapped spine, but yeah it was really good.

It was good, except for one thing, it finished! :'( now i have to wait for the fifth book. Damn it.

Eclipse

2008-12-08T02:42:00.002+11:00

I finished the book, haha, right after i finished new moon, i went to read eclipse, aren't i sad? My god, im starting to read breaking dawn now. But decided to stop anyway, because ive been reading a lot, that it's probably not best if i continue on due to the fact that its highly addictive. Perhaps i have come to a conclusion that i too will be a vampire if i dont sleep. haha, 2.44 am, i think i need to give myself a rest.

Eclipse wasn't to good for me, i was anticipating of whether bella was going to become one of them, now if anyone has read breaking dawn, please dont spill what happens, i will fly to wherever you are and murder you. And drink your blood, nah jokes. haha. well anyway, i didn't like it too much with Jacob in the picture, ive been to in love with Edward and Bella's love story that Jacob just annoyed me, yes i tried empathizing, but who can blame me? ey ey? haha.

Anyway, i should get some sleep, my sleeping pattern has ended up pretty bad. haha. Im hungry though, but i cant be bothered getting something to eat, im too warm in my bed, lol. Too relaxed.

yuck

2008-12-07T16:22:00.002+11:00

cleaning - makes me feel like im eating the cleaning detergent.

Now i feel like non stop the cleaning substance keeps building up in my mouth,

like it substituted my saliva.

Random Happiness - Moody much?

2008-12-07T14:47:00.002+11:00

Happy Happy JOY JOY! Happy Happy JOY JOY! Happy Happy JOY JOY!

My nose is huge. LOL. eww.

Happy Happy JOY JOY! Happy Happy JOY JOY! Happy Happy JOY JOY!

It makes me wonder, what if vampires were really real? even if they do exist, it seems very unlikely for a human being not to be terrified, i know we secretly want to be immortal and unspeakably beautiful, but how can you live with that? How can you stay young, while everyone else around you is getting older every second. How can you stay young, and endure the pain of losing all the people you love?

I guess Bella's love for edward is unconditional. She would do anything to be with him, which is adorable!!! ;) but you know, i can never imagine myself in her position. First of all, id probably shit in my pants if i saw a vampire and i knew he was a vampire and he was odly close to me. Or i could be Bella and just think he was hot. hahaha.

Newmoon

2008-12-07T14:38:00.002+11:00

I finished new moon, i was about to finish it last night, but eyes were shutting and couldn't hold on, so i finished it as soon as i woke up! :) God, this book made me sob, and cry. It's pathetic. Then the ending left me hanging, i was expecting more pages, and i was like what the hell!??? So ima start on eclipse :D:D:D

One of my old friends, in taiwan, its his birthday today! HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY KYLE!!! i miss you. And so we were talking yesterday/last night. And he kept going on about the twilight movie, how it was so awesome. I kept thinking, i didn't like the movie, it was just not satisfying! so then i asked him "im guessing you haven't read the book., no?" he replied. "No" haha, which is probably why. READ THE BOOK PEOPLE, movies miss out on A LOTTTT of important things.

I love it.....I love it. Thanks rayka for sending them to me. I MISSS YOU.

Twilight Movie

2008-12-06T21:01:00.005+11:00

It may sound crazy but i need to get me one of those.

The movie wasn't great as i hoped it to be. We all know that the books are always better.

I really think that they should have used stronger actors, but i can't deny that they are adorable on screen. The way Robert Pattinson played edward is just spectacular, it is wonderful, that somehow i thought i fell in love with him, just don't look up videos and photos of him as himself, it really isn't pretty.

Kristen Stewart as beautiful as she is, looked innocent in this film considering that in most of her films, she has always portrayed strong characters, so this was okay i guess. I just think i could still be better.

Break

2008-12-06T20:28:00.007+11:00

We all have our insecurities

I break can mean different things, it could simply mean you need to get away from the reality of life, all the hurt, the pain, and everything else that tries to bring you down. A break could also be a part of your adolescent, a break out of pimples, break out of split ends, break out of water weight, being bloated. Or simply a break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
All this time, i have tried to hide my feelings and my thoughts. Things haven't been so easy you know? I tried to hide it from Lexi, and from Lily, and also from everyone else. I didn't want people to see that i was weak, i wanted everyone to know that i was independent. break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
The other day, this creepy guy started yelling at us from next door, and mind you this is not allowed, and yet he did it, we were sitting down, and he was yelling from a higher angle, which felt realy demeaning and degrading. It gave me an axiety attack, where i broke out into shock, and i couldn't speak, i was afraid i was going to say something mean, something wrong, and i knew everytime i came to that position, i always regreted things i said. This incident made me cry. Made me break out into tears that ive been trying so hard to hold on to.break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
I went into my room, i wanted to be alone. I cried. I know this sounds really depressing, but i just somehow wanted to be away from people. My friend, Lexi, not knowing what was going on, started yelling at me, "why are being such a bitch your friend for?", this really affected me, since all i did was walk into my room, and that was it, it really hurt me even more that there was simply no other way, to not affect anyone. break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
In that room, what i called my temple, i felt horrible. The pain was too hard to bare, i felt so weak, pathetic, and dependent. I couldn't bare to look in myself in the mirror in disgrace, i started to scribble on it, and then took a picture, to be reminded, that i need to change the girl in the mirror. It reminded me one important thing, i needed to be strong for myself for now, and not for anyone else.break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
My friend, lexi, talked to me, and apologized. I wasn't angry with her. She said words that made my hair stand, all over my body. "You think you are so weak lally, but if only you can see what i see, you are stronger than you think" she said, i was right, people who give up are cowards, she told me... i wasn't one of them. Beforehand i explained to her how i felt about everything, i need not to mention my life. But, i said to her, that i can never take my life, despite the fact that i may feel like i am in the worst situations, and even though i am in the worst pain that i could bare, because even in that insane little head, and moment, i manage to come up with the idea that, I would be a coward for doing that, and it would be unfair to everyone i love, and to everyone that love me. I wouldn't want to hurt them.

Good Night Sleep

2008-12-04T13:20:00.002+11:00

I finally had a good sleep tonight, considering yesterday was horrible, I couldn't go to sleep for some reason, i had many things in my mind, by the time i realized it was already 6.30 and lily was awake complaining that i havent slept. So then i fell asleep at 6.30. I was able to sleep some what 'earlier' last night. :p 11.30.

I can't believe there's only 6 days until my birthday, and yet there's no excitement, i know that when i wake up on that day, it'll only be another day, and nothing would change, only the reponsibilities making it official.

I woke up this morning with a horrible mood, i had bo's paws digging into my chest, and his face seriously studying my face, whether i was awake or not. Then he lifted up his paw and started nudging my face to wake me up, but not realizing that nudging was actually scratching me. So i said go away bo!!

And i walked out of my room, started reading the second book of stephanie mayer, eclipse, only to realize that i was reading the wrong book, it was meant to be new moon, dumby me, so now ive started new moon, trying to predict eclipse. haha. ANd then i went in, and there i saw Bo, with apologetic face and inevitable face, that craved for attention. Shi tzus have this capability, of making you feel guilty for depriving them from the attentiont they are required to have. So i hugged bo and sofft fluffy fur.

I love my dogs, especially muffin. She is the most gorgeous thing when you see her slee, not when she starts snoring really loud. Haha, but its still cute. SHe snores so loud its so funny!

Anyway, days are closing in until i see my family!! :) and until i see my paradise again, Boracay... :) If you think about it, really think about it, life forms coexisting altogether, is really beautiful, that sometimes how they existed makes it even more beautiful, that today, for us, it is made at most beautiful state. I just wished it would last, as nothing would last forever.

I need to find myself an Edward Cullen to escape reality, and so i can create a new diversion of it, in my own little head. haha.

6 days mtill my 18th!

Wishlist

Red nintendo DS

Pug

Red cordless mouse that matches my laptop

An electronic organizer

a hot lingerie, i don't know why, but they are beautiful.

MONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! to shop :D

Deakin :(

As the days of my birthday are closing in, the days of the results are coming also. Which scAres the shit out of me. Even lexi, probably the most smartest girl i know, is worried about her results. What the hell man? Lily, even silent, i can see that she is worried too. I know one thing, im not alone when i find out my results are, i wouldn't be alone when they happen to be really bad, i need someone there to tell me, that i have done my best and thats what matters, not 'your best wasn't enough', because i really need someone there to make strong regardless of what the results may be. ANd i know that my friends will be there when i happens, and also my family, if they call. haha.

I miss danielle, ma, and rod. Danielle mostly, would i be a stranger to her in the years to come? because that's what im afraid of.

2008-12-03T22:47:00.002+11:00

Today i simply woke up because lexi wouldn't bug off, she went into my room to annoy me. So then we went to Melbourne Central, to look for our friend's birthday, bek. :)

Today, random thoughts came into my head again. You know in movies where they have the most ridiculous and over used cliche's like "You can hate me but atleast fogive me" well today me and my friend were having this deep and meaningful conversation about things we had gone through. I then I remembered the most painful year i had ever had in my life so far. See unlike that cliche' i have never held a grudge against someone for so long, i thought giving it time and space would cool things down, but you see, betrayal is too hard to forget. I can't just hate even though i've already forgiven them, what's the point? Im only torturing myself as they go on carelessly in their lives. I don't care so much of what they do in their lives anymore as much as i used to, i felt like somehow it gave me comfort that they are in an even worse state than what they said they would turn out to be.

There is no point in recollecting the past, and remembering how it was like to be hurt. It wasn't more of the relationship that i had with someone but it was more of a betrayal of friendship, with someone who i thought i could trust, and yet i turned my back and she stabbed me without me seeing it coming. That was the most painful thing, a friend had ever done to me. She may have not known what she meant to me, but she was there in the step of the way as I told her about the butterflies in my stomach, and she was there getting excited with me. It made me look stupid how i was so blind and yet everyone around me saw what was going on.

I told my friend today, that i didn't regret what happened. Firstly, i wasn't vulnarable anymore in situation like that, i am a lot stronger now and a lot braver. The more i take risks the more i learn my mistakes, but that doesn't mean im not cautious. I still am. That's one thing i have to thank the very same girl i cannot ever forgive, because of her it made me realize how special all the people around me were, that i would never do that to a friend, it made me realize how ridiculous she acted and how awful it looked, even though during that time i thought i was the one being stupid, but i look her now, and it is just a pity.

Somehow this heart of mine holding grudges for two people is still soft, and yet protected with a hard invisible surface. The last words i heard from him was "I can find someone so much better than you" to tell you the truth, it hurt me, but it didn't bugg me at all. You want to know why? Because i have nothing to feel guilty about, I had done nothing wrong, I gave it my all and in the end thats what matters to me. And those two that had pushed their way in every single second just to break everything off and to hurt me are a part. They may say they are happy and they have grown up, i don't doubt that for a second.

I look at them, and watched how they have changed. Their lives are still the same, and yet i have had so many things that have gone by to be proud off. I have things that i think they would never have, i have my dignity and integrety, a heart, real friends, family, my love ones (bo and muffin) , and a phase of metamorphosis.

I thought of those things, and i simply smiled, glad of the choices that i had made to make up for my mistakes, it doesn't come easy, i have made up the really bad choices, like giving people 3rd chances even though they should only have two, "fixed my wings with wax"...

That's life though, you can't really have everything your way. I believe that what your experiences are in the past make you as a person you choose to be today, but not the past making you who you are. There's always a time to change, and as for me? time of forgiving? I don't know, if you beat me up nearly to death, it would be painful and yet it would heal, but harsh sharp words that slap you accross your face and an axe on your back? That can't heal. Atleast now i think it wont.

I must say, im quite proud of myself, i usually give in to people who apologize, I always think of the good in them. But now, i think about the good in them too but i also analyze if there's any sincerity. Most of the time, people apologize because they just want to at peace of everyone, but that doesn't mean that all fo them felt guilty. Most, don't even know why you were hurting in the first place.

A boy hurting, breaking your heart, tearing it into pieces and dispersing through thin air is painful and a part of your heart is missing, but i friend's betrayal? is another, you lose a part of your soul.

Twilight

2008-12-03T03:36:00.002+11:00

I just finished reading twilight, and then ill be moving on to the next. :p 6 hours it took. Meyer's writing is amazing. Heart twitching and capturing, and the imaginary is astonishing. I thought fairy tales were the only ones that could have this unconditional love, i guess vampire stories could too.

I read non stop until lexi came home with one tree hill. We ddnt get to finish all the cds, but we were able to go through 2 cds. haha.

Marathon

2008-12-02T18:38:00.004+11:00

I spent my afternoon/evening yesterday by watching one tree hill. We had a 3rd season marathon, just sat there, left for 15 minutes to get dinner and then went back at it again. We started 1.30 pm and finished at 1.30Am the next morning, hahaha.

I slept really well last night, and when i woke up to my dismay i had wasted half the day already, it was 12.44pm, for the first time since the holiday i was able to sleep in, and yet when i forced my body up, i felt like a giant elephant had been stepping on my head the whole night.

I then checked my email, and my auntie had sent me the twilight novels, and so i read the book from then on and just finished now, having almost finished my book, Lexi walks in with the season four of One Tree hill, damn you Lexi!! Yes so i guess it would be another night of wine, one tree hill, and cigarettes with 2 of my bestfriends, just chillin out enjoying the fact that right now, we are allowed not worry about anything, and until uni, we will cherish every freedom.

IF I WERE A BOY

2008-12-01T13:23:00.002+11:00

Beyonce's song got me thinking, i reckon if i turned into a boy now magically, i would probably be the best boyfriend a girl can have. Although i'd probably be a metrosexual one, considering ive gone through the face of female puberty.

Just a thought.

Insecurities

2008-11-30T14:03:00.002+11:00

I came across a cleo magazine that 3 of chipped in for, we figured if we read the magazine we might as well chip in for it. and then i read about 'vaginoplasties', where women get a plastic surgery down there. I didn't even know that option existed. Are women of today really that insecure? Even vagina vanity came into existence?

I understand that people feel insecure about their bodies therefore try to get it in shape, and i also understand that if you have the money, why not? what i don't understand is why women come into that extent of thinking. It's funny really, I mean, I think i have small boobs, and i do feel insecure about it, but it doesn't ruin my way of living and it doesn't affect me as a person. It's just really shocking, and even if i had the money i wouldn't even think of getting a surgery. Why? because there's no point. I mean people will accept who you are if you accept who you are and if you deliver it well.

It made me come to thinking about all those years where people made me feel insecure about myself, may it be my boobs and my colour. That i wasn't white like all those other people, but whose to say what is beautiful? who's to say that 'white' is beautiful. People have come to the conclusion that what it considered beautiful is what's 'beautiful'. People's reality of beautiful have come from society getting used to what the media portray as beautiful. The second part of the cleo magazine is called ' CLEO BODY love the way you look' and this section of the magazine include sections like ' The meat backlash' which emphasizes the the women who become vegetarians are doing good to the world, and have become beautiful. Don't get me wrong i have nothing against vegtarians, but the hell man? 'The weight loss industry' ; 'What do skinny women eat?' ; 'One bite at a time ' ; 'The naked health check' show's a picture of a naked woman, with a leaf on her vadge, with lines drawn across her flaws along with those lines are criticisisms, the section totally reassures it's whole point!! " LOVE THE WAY YOU LOOK " how can women love the way they look when these things are on it!? I just don't see the whole thing, it just contradicts the whole idea of making women feel better about themselves. And yet again this is just me trying to find something to do.

Many things differ to different women, i have friends who say they are fat, and their not, i try to explain the mechanism of genetics, where people are just born with a bigger frame than others. You can't just use Victoria Secret model as your goal. If i were to write what 'skinny people eat' and apply what i eat to the magazine, you will not believe me because although i eat as much as i want, i am still skinny. So things do differ for people. Another section of the magazine is "feel good and look better' hahahaha!!! I'll let you think about that.

People need to understand the concept of the media, the media is not their for you to feel bad about yourself and to say that this is what PEOPLE ACCEPT. They are merely there to advertise their goal is to make you feel bad so that you buy their product, therefore establishing an emotional appeal. "Call now and get it absolutely free!! your for free!!!" and you'll see this tiny little text in white that says, pay by credit card on 25 dollars.

Getting back to my whole point, people shouldn't feel bad for themselves, as long as you are healthy and feeling good then that's fine, im not saying that you can go out and eat as many greesy food and be obese, because obesity is just not healthy, and if i elaborate more on that, then it would be a complete different subject, making my post irrelevant.

I just wanted to post my view on this.

UP YOURS BIGPOND!

2008-11-29T18:05:00.002+11:00

The internet has been shitty lately, bigpond is the most expensive internet host and yet it is shitty. I called in earlier because the net says its connected but its not. Which is retarded, i confirmed my account by saying my address and my dad's name, since i am not 18 yet, my dad can't pick me as a representative they said, and until my dad calls my internet won't be able to work.

Well i would like to say and express my feelings towards this, this has been the second time that i had been rejected because i am not capable of configuring and operating the trouble shoot intructions, well guess what bigpond! ups yours because i fixed my net!!

yes, i just needed to let it out. :D

Good Stuff

2008-11-29T01:36:00.002+11:00

I am happy to say that my Media folio, the one i have mentioned weeks ago about me accidentally seeing my grade. Well its been short-listed for top designs 2009! Yey well im hoping it does get in. :) I wish my visual communication folio have gotten in as well.

I have found this old camera, those huge ones, with big lenses that photographers use, my mum has one except its digital. Well this one is not, it has similar features, very much alike actually, but the only difference is that, it runs through film. It's a great feeling i guess having the anticipation of how my shots would look like. I've been experimenting with different settings, :) but it would still be better if it was digital. I just love the sound of the camera clicking, succesfully capturing how i want the image to come out. The framing..the light. Well i hope it does come out the way i wanted it to be!

Okay im going to a friend's 18th debutant, and uhm i was going to wear my bridesmaid gown that i wore to my mums wedding. Only to realize that, she had taken it to the philippines! lol.

Well i've been bored, nothing to do. This whole media things has gotten me to do some thinking though as i needed to sign some stuff. Luckily the school has agreed to mail it to the place for me which is great, since the folio weighs tons, well im over exaggerating, but you know what i mean. The post office charges the things sent by it's weight. I once mailed a book the was a centimetre think, and it cost me 7 bucks. LOL, i thought it would be like a dollar or something.

My birthday is comming up!! 11 days to go!! :) how exciting, although i dont have anyone to empathize me because most of the people i know have already turned 18, i have only 5 friends who haven't, Kyle Rodrigues (dec 7th) Lily do (Jan 8th) Dianne Allegre (December 20) Nicole Dvaz (December 15) and Stephanie Phan (April 23rd). Lol. I can always remember Kyle's birthday, although he's in bankok, haha. Miss him loads!

Well i should probably go to bed as i am ruining my sleeping cycle. It's 2 am here, and im still not in bed. Who cares? I have nothing planned anyway. I managed to convince myself that going out would only make me spend money. Even if i don't do shopping, i still have to pay for food and coffee. and besides, hayfever is a bitch. Agh i hate it, i sneeze like no tomorrow, and runny nose, itchy eyes, why do these things even occur on people it is so mean.

People have been asking me what i want for my birthday... i give them this blank look and yet i try to pretend i know the answer, it wasn't hard. I was clueless i didn't know at that moment what i really wanted, what do i really want? Right now, its been hard to think of what i want, but rather what i NEED. I don't know why, i used to buy loads of magazine like i had to have a doze of it every month, it sort of gave me the satisfaction. Now it just makes me feel bad, i see all the clothes, and all the other useless things that i want to get but i ddnt need, so it keeps getting me to thinking that i wouldn't have enough money for my needs. Although i do, i just keep thinking 'just in case' and i guess it's been a wise choice.

Filipino Food Cravings

2008-11-21T13:17:00.003+11:00

Things that, unfortunately i can't have right now:

JOLIBEE

Hotdog
Palabok
Beef steak
Spag

CHOWKING

halo-halo

GENERAL

Tinola
Sinigang

Reality

2008-11-20T12:15:00.002+11:00

I was reading all the posts from one of the pages today, I came across people complaining about judgements made of them and accompanying it with a phrase that reassures people that they don't give a crap about what people say. In my opinion, why post something like that in the first place if doesn't bother you? I guess I'm just finding something to do.

I've been bored, come on man, schools over. I still wake up at 6 am thinking I've forgotten to do homework, and I've completely slacked off the night before, I then realize that, there is no more school, and that I have nothing to do.

The other day I did this work out with my friend, she looked like she needed someone there to somehow get the motivation to do it, and so Alyssa comes to the rescue and does the work out with her. And of course, I needed to lose the abs fat from all the junk food and all the fatty food I’ve eaten from the food cravings I got every time I had to study, it was some sort of excuse to have a five minute break from studying. lol. So yes, my chest muscles officially hurt, as i try to shampoo my hair, and my but cheeks as i try to sit down, my thighs as i try to squat to feed my dogs.

I went to a friends 18th wearing a 3inch stiletto heels, i didn't trip the whole night, i quite delivered my little performance that i was completely feeling gorgeous and not that i had blisters on my feet and it was killing me, that part was left out from the world to see. And so my friend hired a bus where everyone was dropped of to their respective houses, and as i got of the bus, the bloody heels slipped from the little dense of moist on the steps, i landed on the grass though, of someone’s front lawn in front of my house, and then i laughed hysterically, to cover up my clumsiness, it worked quite well. I stood up (it was dark and the mirrors didn’t reflect any light so then I couldn’t see it) and bumped my head on the side mirror. I walk off casually still recovering from the fall and still laughing. We went to a stand up comedy thing, it was hilarious. I think from that I have burnt off calories from my facial muscles and from my abs as I was laughing my heart out.

I miss my family, living alone isn’t as fun as people think it is. I mean I have friends over but still it aint the same. People are like “that’s so cool” not if you’re a monophobe its not! Haha. Yeah I guess being alone scares the shit out of me. But the sweetest thing was that before my dad left, he subtly asked me to come and talk to him because he was going to teach me to do things around the house. And while doing so, he apologized that he yelled at me, and explained how stressful the move was for him. I noticed it beforehand so I didn’t really care that he did, I just subtly yelled back “I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF EVERYONE WAS EATING TOGETHERR!!!!” hahaha. Well it’s been all stressful for us, I mean I had my exams during that time and I was freaking out. I think its been very hard for my little sister mostly, because she doesn’t know how to deliver out the pain she feels you know? SO instead, she somehow finds her temporary happiness from buying ‘The Veronicas’ products, like a 20$ shirt, -_- I don’t even get a $20 shirt you know.what the hell. Haha. But yeah, I understand what she’s going through. I feel sorry for my mum, and yet proud of her. To have the divided attention for Danielle and me, come on man? That’s gotta be hard. Plus, the amount of trust she’s given me, to have a 17 year old daughter, plus turning 18, that’s scary right? In a way it is good because she knows that I am responsible I will not be idiotic about my actions.

Muffin, my little dog, is getting better, she had this thing called hematoma and her ear swelled up. L poor baby. But she’s good now, she the only dog I know that takes so much drugs lol. She’s a sicky one, but now she’s been really happy, running around and stuff. She’s 10 years old. L I don’t want her to leeeeeeeeeeave me. Huhu. Bo, on the other hand, is very healthy, and an imbecile. Lol. But I love him, even though he’s established how to get in and out of the dog flap, he still forgets about it, and cries out side the door.

That’s it for today I think, ive ran out of things to say.
Lol.
Im out.

hmm

2008-11-15T10:13:00.002+11:00

I've got nothing to say much really. I just have random rants in my head that are trying to claw its way out.

I've only got one exam to do. In my head i think to myself, yey... one more and thats it, no more. And then what do it do? lol.

Cross my fingers till the results finally come out? Mind you they come out, 5 days after my birthday, which is retarted, coz then 5 days after my birthday id probably be all depressed from my results, or maybe... hmm just maybe, that i get the enter score i want, and yeyyy... overload with happiness.

I called my mates last night, roseanne was busy, i always here the cheery voice of hers, everytime i call her, she always shows that she's happy to hear from me. Besh (Paolo) on the ohter hand.. "oh hi besh.."
hahaha, ah but i know he was happy to hear from me. He kept bagging the way i talked though, it was hilarious. (Although i think i can stil speak it perfectly) he says that I can speak it, i just don't have the rough edge to it anymore -_- well im glad to know that i can still speak it though, i few days in the Philippines and that edge will spring right back at me. hahaha.
Then i unconsciously kept speaking in english, he'd be like "dumudugo ilong ko"; "tama na, kukuha na ko ng balde" (is that how you spell it?) yeah well i had fun speaking to them even though i only got a little time from anne "promise mo tawag ka bukas ah? PROMISE MO" lol, ofcourse, i had no choice!! hahaha. I shall call her later on. Coz its, 10.20 am here, and 7.20 am there.

Yeah this is just random. I dont know why but i just felt like dropping in.

Drained

2008-11-02T16:04:00.009+11:00

Miss Graduate

I am so excited to be a highschool graduate, i mean i made it!! We still have exams but the fact is, knowing that i've graduated is motivating me to study, to be the best i can be. lol. corny i know.

The Graduation Gift/Birthday Gift

The latest Viao

Vaio CS

VGN-CS16G

i think im in love with it...

Maths Overload

Currently: Studying for maths.

I'll let the picture speak for itself.

Random

2008-10-18T10:13:00.002+11:00

| End of Year 12 |

It's a weird realization really. One minute I'm this kid always waiting to be all grown up. Now it's like it's all going too fast. The time spent in MSJ was fun, the school gave me a chance to explore myself as a person. Challenged me in a lot of ways, considering the differences in culture and tradition. I gained friends that I could truly trust, the thought of the possibility of us separating is heart aching. I once went through the process of leaving my friends in the Philippines and that was painful, I guess I'm afraid to go through it all over again.

Life in the Philippines was great, don't get me wrong I loved it. Every bit, well except for the asshole encounter, but besides that life was great. I miss all my friends...

I can't believe im graduating next WEEK!!
Im excited but then after that i have exams. LOL.

I keep thinking... after year 12...
University...
then what?
What happens next?

An awkward thinking..

| The Move |

The move to Australia gave me a chance to grow closer to my parents, made me see each little progress my little sister develops. Me and mum we're able to heal the pain we caused each other in the past, well more like me causing pain to her. The funny thing is that, being younger I came to a certain point when I was right and my mother wasn't, that she completely made judgments on her own observation. Admitting that everything was my fault to her was the most hard thing I've done in my life. But at the same time I was thankful that she was right, and she took her advantage of fixing up my life for me.

My dad, got a new job but it's in Philippines. God.. I'm so happy that we are still financially capable, but it's been so hard. Everytime they come back I get used to the fact that they are there, and before I know it they are going again. Despite the fact that this is the situation, in my own little mind I know that, even though it is hard for my parents to leave me here once I graduate highschool, hard for my mum especially because of the divided attention, I know that they are doing this for me, for me to be able to study in university.

Bo and muffin are going as well :( huhu
SOMEONE BUY ME A PUG!! DAMN IT.

| The Stress |

So.. year 12 gave me the most tiring part of my whole life (so far) and I've always been constantly reminded that I had to get a high grade to show my appreciation for everything my parents have done. I just hope that when i don't get the score I expected, and I don't get the score to get into Uni, I hope that I won't fall apart. I mean...come on man. I worked so hard, and if i dont get it, then that would just be too painful for me.. all the hard work.

I saw my Media folio grade by accident, okay.. here's the story. I wasn't supposed to see it, because VCAA are supposedly to assess it and then I get my score. My teacher was photocopying my folio and she asked me to fill out a form so enter 'Top Designs' (only top folios are chosen to do this - only 3 we're able to enter and I'm one of them!!), and then i had to enter details like the size of my product :D so i had to look into my folio... hehehe and then BOOM myt criteria sheet was showing at front :D there are 5 different criteria that all of us have to follow. (I never even looked at this page when she gave it to us at the start of the year - lol) In each criteria you are assessed of how well you did, 5 being the perfect score and 1 being the lowest. I saw...

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH | 5
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH | 5
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH | 5
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH | 5
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH | 4

Okay it's not all 5s but what the heck, im happy :D

Well there were instances we're i had to go through bullying. Why is always fat ugly people that bully me? LOL. My theory is that If i have nothing nice to say to someone then there isn't any point of saying it at all unless I was defending my self, when the little shits have poked the bear subsequently. Well... theres this girl seriously, agh. I didn't want to say anything because i knew if i said something then i would regret it, because she kept picking on me seriously, and i think it filled me up I was furious. Out of that tears of anger rolled down my cheeks like a waterfall. You should have seen it, it made me so happy that my firned were there to support me, they were all so ANGRY. hahaha. they went around the school. See, i have told my very close friend, Lily, the school captain of my school, when the bullying happened, every since it started, and whn i cried she full on yelled and talked to them what could happen because of what they are doing. LOL.

And being immature they stopped talking to me. OMG man.. what the hell how old are you 10? "You're not my friend anymore, I'll tell on you" *little girl voice*

| End of year |

There are going to be so many things that will Happen!!! and im anxious.
(1) My 18th birthday is in 52 days. FOO SHOOW (Dec.10)
(2) Graduation OMG. Tuesday the 21st of OCtober.
(3) End of all my exams 17th of December.
(4) Holiday to the Philippines with Lily :D:D - boracay my baby... i know you missed me but I'll be back soon.
(5) I get to see my best mates. Anne man... i effing miss you.
(6) The enter scores are coming out 5 days after i celebrate my birthday!! OMG.

| La Wishlist |

/* Laptop (my old one died ages ago by the way, it was such a sad moment as i scream in my head " WHYYYY!!!!! why in the middle of year 12!!!? WHYY WHYYYY")
/* Digital Camera - well i dont really need it, but it would be nice to have one :D
/* Electronic Organizer... -_- i know it's geeky.
/* Nintendo DS - I want the RED ONE
/* New bathers. hehehe
/* Motorola Hiptop.
/* the new ipod nano. - the blue one.
/* A grotesque pug.

| Myspace |

I updated my profile. hehe. new layout. It's purple. it's cute. heheh.

Year 12

2008-05-10T15:10:00.002+10:00

I remember being so young and not worrying about things that i worry now. I remember all that i could remember being so bad at was reading the clock. Last night i was teaching my sister how to read that clock, it was fun, i gave her high fives each time she got a question right, it was so cute, then we picked out stickers we could put into each completed page. I wish i'd get that you know? Lol. As you get older no one would ever notice little struggles you go through, because you are expected to do good. Show that you don't know... people would think you are dumb lol.

I remember being young, having my dream was to be this wonderful princess in a castle, lol. What do i dream now? To get a high VCE score and to get into Deakin so that I will get the greatest job where i could live comfortably and happily. Being 12 all i could remember was, I was almost in the year of -teens where every age after 12 ended with it. I was almost thirteen. I could remember how i didn't even know that much, and although its only been 5 years from then, it seems as though i have grown and learned so much. 5 years and that was it... that was it took...and this year i am turning 18. It is so weird, all i longed for when i was little was to be older so that i could be tall (it never happened lol) and have boobs, and look gorgeous like all those teenagers i saw. but now i wish i had stayed in those years where i had no responsibility where all i have to worry about was how to become this princess. I guess im freaking out a bit to a point where there are so many challenges that i am going through at this year that i cannot imagine myself out there in the world all on my own. it's freaky man!

year 12 is the most stressful year ive ever had in my entire life, which involves tears, disappointment, tiresome, and all those other shit. There are times where I really feel annoyed with all the work that's dumped in one bloody week that i cry. It's sad thank god for nutella. Year 12 may be tiring but its fun having friends, there to empathize what you are going through. It's so weird thinking that I am still in highschool and still 17, while all my other friends in the philippines are 18 and already in university. Ha! jokes on them.. :D HS is better. :p The pressure is on.. ugh. Where i have to study for my exams on september.. or even now atleast. september...3 months before my exams start. Yeah......shyeeet.

New layout

2008-05-04T16:57:00.003+10:00

Ah yes, its a new layout, [ for blogger because this also updates my multply lol ] But it's not mine unfortunately, I alyssa, the biggest net freak has no time to fool around with HTML. But someday i wilL! lol. Just not now everything is so busy. Agh, and plus my laptop finally gave up on me. Although it still works a couple of times it still dies sometimes. LOL. Lol post soon. [ you can tell i really cannot be bothered. ]

2007 Confessions

2007-12-29T23:57:00.000+11:00

I confess that in 2007 I...
() stayed single for the whole year
( ) got your first kiss
(x) kissed someone new
() made-out for the first time
() made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) fell in love
( ) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) mooned someone
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
( ) suffered through teenage heartbreak
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
(x) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) dated someone you'll never forget
( ) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under miseltoe

WORK/SCHOOL
( ) got a promotion
(x) got a pay raise
( ) changed jobs
(x) waited until one day before to begin a project
( ) lost your job
( ) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) took an honors/advanced class
( ) broke the dress code
( ) jacked off/fingered in class
() sent to the principles office for misbehavior
( ) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
() failed a class
( ) cut class
( ) kicked someone in the testes
( ) skipped school
( ) got into a fight with a classmate
(x) did something you were proud of
( ) discovered a new talent
( ) gave the teachers a reason to teach
( ) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embarassed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher [HAHAHAHA]
(x) intentionally tripped someone at school
( ) got lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) were involved in something you'll never forget

OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
( ) seen a live concert
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog on MySpace
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
( ) double-dipped
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) flirted shamelessly
( ) didnt wash your hands after using bathroom
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) broke in a line of waiting people
(x) volunteered to help out others
( ) visted a new state
(x) told someone you were busy when you werent
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disasterous meal
( ) drove the car drunk
( ) lost something important to you
(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) lied about how old you were
(x) got a gift you adore
( ) got 'shit faced' on alcohol
( ) took a nude picture of yourself
( ) almost got arrested
(x) prank called someone
( ) saw a college basketball game in person

Broken iphone :( new w580i!

2007-12-08T21:34:00.000+11:00

I got a new phone today, parents bought it as a birthday present. HEHE. yeyy! I don't know how my iphone broke though. :( I liked it pa naman. I woke up and my friend just said the screen was broken. I must have read a message during the night and put it under my pillow and wacked it off during the night, coz it was like upside down next to my side table when lily found it.

No school; new iphone; holiday homework

2007-11-24T16:49:00.000+11:00

While im still so hyped up with the fact that school is over, i am loaded with a lot of things to do for holiday homework. Teachers don't exactly know what Holiday means, but i guess its to prepare us for next year which is quite fare enough! But still! hhahaha.

I got a new Phone! woopie!

Multiply Updated ; Schools over

2007-11-22T17:07:00.000+11:00

Finally finished my exams booyah! hahaha, but im still currently having transition days, my last day is tomorrow ;) we're going to have KKs i think. Hahaha. I've update my multiply ya'll so leave comments ;)

Exams week

2007-11-15T11:35:00.000+11:00

I have never felt so effing tired in my life, i feel so sleepless even though ive had enough sleep, bloody brain stimulation, I DREAMT of what i studied!!! How sad is that?! Hahaha. Im now in the library i came to school early coz lily slept over and she has an exams for periods 3 & 4, and i have an exam for period 5 & 6, Physics. :( I don't know why i did it this year, but even though im not doing it next year i still want to have a good grade for my exam, i dont think it would be a high mark, i just want it to pass.

Exams Ive done as of today:
- English
- Information Technology
- Physics ( i still have to do it today )

Exams left to do:
- Maths
- media ( both are tomorrow )
- Religion ( i dont have to study for, we weren't even going to have an exam for it! )

So tomorrow i shall be happy that ive only got one left exam to do with little things to study about! :) Then Summer here i come! hahaha!

Ima show off my golden tan, belly piercing gleeming from sun rays and my long hair! HAHAHAHA!

Exams; Belly Piercing; Missing the trio

2007-11-11T20:17:00.000+11:00

Exams start tomorrow, English as the first subject. Damn it. Can't be bothered. LOL. Don't worry i studied yes, a lot. EWWW. Geek. HAHAHA. I aint shittin around better get my study habits back and atom for next year >< yeah its all serious next year! hehehe!

List of Subjects Im doing Next year:

English ( i was going to do literature but my subjects clash :( so i have ot do just normal english )
Information Technology and Management ( oh yeah baby, never letting you go )
Media Studies ( I love Media! )
Visual Communication ( Instead of doing Physics Im doing this - OH YEAH something i like! )
Further Mathematics ( I don't know why i chose to do maths, but it'll help me in the long run, and if i can do it! then why not? )

I got my belly piercing done. I got a pink piercing click here to view on my myspace, youd have to add me though! hehehe. Well yeah I told my mum about it, on the email coz their at the Philz right now, so yeah. Still waiting for her reply.

I miss my mum, my sister and my Dad, bohoo. I do :'( Well I have to go and study my arse of now, ive done studying for english but ima study mre for Physics!

Things you dont want to hear during surgery.. (horrible!)

2007-10-06T23:01:00.000+10:00

Things you dont want to hear during surgery.. (horrible!)

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

- Now from where did this spider come in from.

Holidaizzz!! oH yeaah..

2007-09-22T12:27:00.000+10:00

Moving on pretty well, i guess i can live without something i though that i couldn't! I shall enjoy my holidai! mwahz to yaz all!

Alyssa is Free Again

2007-09-07T09:47:00.000+10:00

Wow, i just made myself look like a pricetag by that title. I broke up with my boyfriend last Sunday. The reason? I do not wish to share, it is something I want to keep to myself. No he didn't cheat on me... I don't think i'll be in a relationship for a while ( lol. i seem to always say that, but that never happens. haha. i contradict myself too much. lol but as of the moment, no dating for me )

I told the poor kid that I didn't want to talk to him for a while, its wasn't to make him suffer but it was simply the easiest way to move on, he wanted to stay friends.. I would love that but just not now... maybe in a few months time. I feel broken and i feel like a part of me is missing.. but it wasn't a bad breakup. It was something that I have realized. I have masde the mistake before in my younger years and i don't want to go through the same thing again. So i ended it while it's necessary. There is still a part of me that would like to get back with him... but what would be the purpose of all that thought put into it? There was just no point.

I will never regret the 1 year i had with him. It was a good relationship no doubt, I learnt from him and at the same time he leart from me...but it's kjust not working anymore. I don't want to stress myself out during these times, VCE years are crucial years, to prepare for Uni, I don't want to be emotionaly unstable now. It's hard but im holding on pretty well, I haven't been crying as much. Although it hurts but somehow a part of me thinks that there was no point in brawling my eyes out. There was nothing to cry for... it wasn't a bad relationship,.. its just sad that it can't continue on. I still love and care for him very much but I don't want that to get into the way of my decisions.

I told my parents about my plan for uni, dad was quite happy that i put effort into thinking about my future. I would be living with friends, which i have done while my parents are away ( I stayed ovcer a bestfriend's house because parents had to deal with things in the Philippines. - 5 weeks- it was quite sad, but i understand why. Proud of mum for being so strong, must have so hard to know that im so far away.) I've learnt to be so independent, living by myself. It doesnt mean that i want to live by meyself. I love my parents lol. I don't want to go! just yet! but yeah during the time that im in Uni durin g the week ill be staying in a shared apartment with friends, and during the weekend I will stay with my family! weepee! It sounds like a lot of responsibility.. God. I can't believe time is moving so fast, next year i will be 18.. pfft. It feels so weird, i remember when i was 8 i wished i was older to look like a hot supermodel - but now I wish Id stay 16 forever! haha. I guess the idea of RESPONSIBILTY and OBLIGATION and GETTING OLDER.. is scaring me a little. But i know friends and family will support me, which i am quite happy for. Maahn my parents we're so cool about my idea, it surprised me. I thought mum would be strict and not let me, but i guess she knows ill be responsible. Erhan (ex-boyfriend) on the other hand wasn't cool about my IDea of going to Deakin Uninversity. he said it'll be too far away. I felt like was obligated to stay around him.. and that scared me, happened before wont let it happen again, it's not marriage! haha! My whole world isn't supposed to revolve around him. I have a life too!

i have a new guitar! :) it is BLUE! one of my favourite colours. Im so devoted to RED at the moment... i dont even know why. hehe.. i move dup to the next leveell of devotion that i bought myself red chucks (with financial help off my parents ofcourse) and a dark red leather bag ( so hooot ) haha, yeah that's right!

Oh well's im getting tired now haha. Post more soon! :)
Take care Ya'll!

School

2007-08-03T09:30:00.000+10:00

Things have been a bit busy at the moment. School and other stuff. Haven't been at home for long, i only go there every afternoon to feed my lovies ( bo and Muffin ) I hope the fish doesnt die because i didn't feed it yesterday. LOL. I just don't remember. So i havent been online a lot. I go online to check my email incase mum emails me, and check my myspace incase someone commented me :) its addictive so i wouldnt let a day pass to hold my excitement a anxiety to whoever commented me on the day. That's how much of a freak I am.

Just incase youz are wondering, lol, my mum is in the Philz dealing with family stuff. Ive been staying over a bestfriend's house. LOL. Well, hopefully mum is okay, considering the fact that she is away from me. She must be worried sick every minute knowing that i am milions of miles away and if something happens she wouldn't be here in one flick. But she says I can call people if ever i need anything.

Ive been short a bit with money, and it feels weird asking dad for some. LOL. Ive been so dependent on the fact that I support my needs with my work money. I am trying not to spend much though, just dont like asking for money. Feels so weird. HAHA. Work hasnt given me any shifts due to the reason that it'll be too hard for me lol, coz im nmot staying over at my house.

My boyfriend is okay. :) we are okay. Still okay and happy. Still going strong. Almost one year and we are still together. (12.08.07) I love him heaps! He's everything a girl could ask for! ;) Thank God I have such an understanding boyfriend and so loving too! He is just the whole package, if nothing fails i wont let go.

im at information technology class, I dont have my JavaScripts with me, therefore i have nothing to annotate. Im supposed to work on my ICT information part of theory but the books are in my locker. I will do it on my spare time, its friday so I should have plenty, just need to remember to write it on my diary and remember to check my diary once i have written it. I am the msot forgetful person i swear to God. I hate it. LOL. Like this morning i nearly forgot i had school, i wanted to sleep in. HAHA.

Well I have to go!:) im typing so much. Just haven't bloged in for a long long time, its not like a lot of people tune in anyway. It's a way of letting everything out. Who cares. LOL. NO ONE! haha.

Take care all of youz
God Bless!

Busy

2007-06-05T13:53:00.001+10:00

ive been busy lately. From blogging in every single day to blogging once a month? Lol. Well there is nothing to say really, just normal routine every single day, every single week. Been a bit busy at school lately, had SACs (Outcome) and assignments due, i guess because we are almost at our midyear exams. i guess it's not that bad. Ive been reading through physics today, I remember most of it just need to go through some of the things I have forgotten. Im in my stuydy period at the moment, well atm im blogging but after this which is soon id review for maths. hopefully i get through things.

I am still with my Prince btw :D still quite happy!! Next week on the 12th of June is our 10th Month together, time flies so quick. Today i got a 100% on my project:D in info. LOL. And i did an english sac, i reckon i did aryt i just need to wait for the resuts. Well i better go, ill blog iun sooner or later...

See yah... ;)

blah.

2007-05-22T11:23:00.000+10:00

Finally unblocked on the school internet. Okay let me tell you about a story about by far my worst experience in my school.

My multiply had been viewed by my deputy principal. I was told of because I had pictures with my friends and our class pictures in it, which had the uniform school logo on it.

It would have been okay if I wasn’t insulted by referring to me as a slut and telling me that I was putting student’s life into danger. She could have just told me to delete the photos because she was concerned about the students but she didn’t have to deliberately insult me. I can actually say NO when she told me to delete it, because it is my website. -_- not hers. But yerh my punishment was to be banned off the school internet for the whole week. Like that’s going to kill me. LOL.

Anyway I told my mum about it, and she got so cut. Well It happened, she already said it, she already insulted me and there’s nothing she can do take all of it back. And I’m really upset by all the things she said to me, as a 16 year old student she shouldn’t have traumatized me that way. I do not wish to elaborate anymore.

Need to go I’m in IT class. I’ll blog more later on..

Investigation Test

2007-05-08T13:48:00.000+10:00

What is it? What is the point of it? err... wahh. We have one of maths today and it is shittin me. Net period? yeah yeah.. Someone stab me. I reckon I will do 'okay' but Im just scared that I freak out and wouldnt be able to answer. :( well Unfortunately I asked the people who had done it and they some said it was really confusing, im trying not to get it into me. Ignore alyssa... must ignore. haha. Better go. cyah

What a day!

2007-05-07T14:02:00.000+10:00

I woke up this morning and the first thing that went up to my mind was "FUCK ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TODAY" so I was in the complete anxiety. So when i got to school, i didn't stop by the coffee shop because I just didn't have time to buy it and drink it so quickly. I went up straight to the library and did my assignment. Luckily it was just this written piece so I did it. English was period 1 so I was in deep shit. I wasn't able to finish it when the bell went, but my teacher booked us in a computer room so I was able to finish the last paragraph which was pretty good. If you are wondering, I am currently in the Library lol. I have a study and then later on I have IT.

I have an investigatory test on Maths tomorrow. Fuck. Yeah. Im so scared :( I hate him, my teacher, he can't teach for shit. I don't know why they still keep him as our teacher, I mean shouldn't they realize all the students are failing? yeah and my parents think that Im failing in purpose. Im not flunking, if it werent for him. i don't get jack shit of what he says, I never used to have problem with maths, which is why i got mathematical methods aryt?! Lol.

Blog in more soon. Im so sleepy -_-

Head Ache pumping along with my heart beat

2007-05-06T18:51:00.000+10:00

I had this killing head ache going on and off since friday. I think im worrying about things too much. Stupid me. Well anyway.. today was err weird. Last week i checked the rosters if i had a shift for this week and it said i had none, so I didn't bother to wake up early today, being happy that i could sleep in... -_- but then around 12 my manager called me asking me why i wasnt there... and i was shocked to find our i was already 2 hours late, my shift was supposedly 10:30 to 4:30 i got there at 1, because they called me at 12. I left without nothing to eat :(

I went out with friends last friday, it was really fun. Babe came along, so each of us got to know each other's bf :p lol next weekend [ 12/05/07 Saturday ] is our 9th Month! <3>

Days go by so quick!! :)

Status? Happy and In love!

Blog in more soon! Maybe i should blog more often like i used too.

Stress Update

2007-04-18T17:53:00.000+10:00

School

Back to school first week...and well I am already so stressed out with school at the moment, I guess I'm behind for missing out a week and it's pissing me off because I haven't taken my tests yet. I'm so scared that if i don't complete what i missed out on I might fail. I dont think they would do that though, it's just that there's 6 subjects and I think Im going to die.

I was supposed to have my maths test today, but i had to go to my media excursion for it was compulsary. This is shitting me. So I'm not sure of whethere I am taking it tomorrow. I also have my english test tomorrow, which is going to take up my study period. Which really sucks.

My Maths teacher, doesnt actually teach. He let's us read the book at home, and answer excersises in class. I mean TEACH you dickhead?! And he wrote "causing concern" under the "homework" row on my report. Like wth? he doesnt even check my notebook? What a dick. Well yeah ofcourse i got in trouble with my parents, especially when it said in need of interview. Wth maaaaaaaahn.

Someone stab me.

Love

I'm pretty happy with what i have. I mean I'm happy that I met my baby. XD 8 Months! And next month will be our 9TH!! weee....

Family

Mum, dan, and dad, are in the philippines. :'( but they are coming here soon! ;)

Health

Shit.

Well at schoo there's this new vaccine thing that we have to get, for HPV or sumthin. New shit that they found out, its one shot per month, and there are side effects when you get it -_-. Being sensitive inside and out.. I think i might get these side effects :( Like fever and shit. -_- and swelling of where it was injected or rashes. >.<>

Well... Life is stressfull atm. hope to get through it. argh. cyah

Sex Names

2007-04-13T12:14:00.000+10:00

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Happy 8 Months!!

2007-04-12T20:32:00.000+10:00

It's been 8 months already! Boy time does go by quick if you're having fun. I'd like to think that at the moment my life is good. I have a good education, good parents, good friends, great fmaily, and a great boyfriend. I don't know what I could ever ask for. Things get a little rough where life is something i start hating, but there are always people around me who change my point of view. Who pull me up when I'm down. Who make me laugh when I'm sad. I thank God, for giving these blessing to me.

I recall on my past, as i remember everything, my life back in the Philippines. I can't seem to imagine my life there. I don't think of the country as bad, it is where i grew up, and it is my actual home! but i see more of my future here, although i miss my friends i know they are still there for me, and lucky to have gained more here. As i was saying, I recalled my past, and literaly called myself stupid, for all the things that i have been blind to. My actions, and the boy who i thought I loved. I stood, feet flat on the ground taking a firm stand by him, people who where always there for me, I took for granted, and for the man that took me granted was the one I loved. Stupid things i did you know?? But it doesn't matter now, past is past. But it is still always hard to forgive. Harsh words from someone will always be remembered no matter how hard you try to forget them.

I am just so happy, that things are balance in my life at the moment. Love, friends, and family. Stupid things are history now... I know i have to be more responsible and more respectful for myself and other people around me.

Well I'd like to thank my baby!! For always being there!! :D hehehe. You've seen my highs and mostly my lows!! hahaha!! But you are still there, holding my hand, taking each step of our life, together...and apart. I love you... I'm so thankful that I found you. ;) Love is very mysterious.. Happy 8 Months!

Visit to the philippines

2007-04-02T00:56:00.000+10:00

As i got out of the plane the heat already tried to sofucate me, so i slightly stopped and wished to turn back. NOOO MY DEAR AUSTRALIA. but then i kept walking... and thought to just bare the heat and enjoy myself. Leave all the school stress and worries.

The first thing i did was to change the only money i had in my money. $10. yes 10 bucks, all the way from australia and all i had in my wallet was bloody 10 bucks. How pathetic. Lol. So yeah got it changed and i got out of that is a bloody P370.00 yes just that. hahaha. LOL.

We got out as soon as we got our bags and shit. The smell of polution outside the airport... the thought ... "ahh i am back" hahaha, came to my head. Then i saw my mum and my sister in the car far from where i was... (thank god i had my contacts on or else i would have been blind) so i waved. :D i was excited to see my mum and my sister who went 2 weeks before me.

Well Ive been going out to see friends, roseanne most of the times. Been missing babe heaps though, never got him off my mind. Went to Batch Magiting's graduation, me, cha, and dave sat as an audience and felt sad not to march with the people we grew up with at moneymount. i mean.. marymount. Hahaha. I cried. Yeah what a loser, i cried. I was happy that everyone was in big little screams to see me "ALY!!!!" first thing theyd say after there ayes grow big. 0_O hahaa. Well i was happy to see them too, i even saw ms leny there. Before the graduation i went to visit mount, hahaha, saw my old teachers, they hugged me and smiled at me like as if i was something unbelievable and was there. hahaa. I even saw my friends from last year, that are in college atm, like mike, angela!!! [ LOVE!!! ] and pearl! hahaha. :) and oh mark.

Well, i dunno what i should do before i go. Im planning on having a farewell party. I just don't know what to do. Lol. Can't be stuffed planning, lol, i don't like being the host, i just like crashing at parties. :p hahaha, but yeah... kailangan eh. ;) Anyway, ima upload photos soon! ;) on my multiply.

Maths Meeting

2007-03-02T10:30:00.000+11:00

Yesterday we had our maths test, i guess no one passed. Early this morning there was a note written on our board "Year 11 Maths, Meeting at the start of Recess, at 11 F" The bell is going to go in 5 minutes amd then it's recess. I guess im quite nervous of the situation but i know that it's not just me who failed, if it was just me then i know i need help, but its the whole class! BOTH CLASS! huhu. I guess the teacher is nice and all but his method of teachings just doesnt work. I hate how he yells at us and everything, i just don't like being yelled at. Because we respect him kind words would do to shut us up.

It's not fair on us not to learn while he has to teach us, you know? But all he does is let us do chapter review, i guess if we went through everything in the chapter and practiced in anyway then it would have been okay. As my mum would say "maths is all about practice" you can't just expect us to remmber everything that we have learned, its not like maths is the only subject we are doing.

I seriously can't take anymore of this. 2 chapters in 2 weeks?? that's bullshit. 2 chapters of test in a review test? bullshit! GRRRR! But then again im not the type of person who can complain but i think my classmates will. see yaz

Shitty Day

2007-02-26T13:59:00.001+11:00

Seriously not feeling well. Have a head ache feeling dizzy. agh... all grumpy. Just not my day.

Happy 6 Months!!!!

2007-02-12T13:51:00.001+11:00

I'm sitting here in the library today in my study period. Well supposedly it's a study. :p I will study soon :D haha. Today is me and my baby's 6 months, i swear to God it feels as if not long ago that we just met and got to know each other! And now we're together for a half year! LOL.

Last night we went out since we havent seen each other for a week., :D so yeah :( i wanted to see him. I asked permission from my parents about watc hing a movie and got told off when i went home. :( they got worried probably but it seemed as though i did something really bad. It pissed me off so bad that i cried. LOL.haha. enough about that I'm happy today ahaha.

Days have been okay valentines day is coming! weee!!! Hmm, i didn't go on MSN last night since our internet was broken. -_- so i was looking forward to having a free time today. HAHA.

Well anyways, I'm in period 5 of study and then i have info next. HAHA. I can't wait to get home! but still i have to do my maths homework. HAHAHAHA. Anyways type in soon! :)

Happy 6 Months!!!!

2007-02-12T13:51:00.000+11:00

What has Alyssa been up to lately??

2007-02-06T19:37:00.000+11:00

School:
Yep Yep, we're back to school again. Year 11, phoa VCE 1! haha. Well been busy coz there were a lot of homework, and we had holiday homework tha i didn't do. I crammed everything up in around 2 days ahahaha and eventually i got them done. Lols, I love my classes haha. I love my homeroom coz my friends are there. HAHA. So far im lovin it even though it's stressing. Good thing we have study periods. :D

Work:
Well I'm still working, so if im not at school I'd be working -_- except on weekdays, haha, but they probably would call me in for work bu hopefully not. haha, so yerh love getting payed ad stuff so i have money for myself, i really need to start saving.

Boyfriend:
Yep we'r still together. We will be 6 Months on 12th of Feb. :p hehe, amazing how days go by so quick. :D haha. Still happy an In love no worries at all. And plus I'm just happy that we understand each other and it's just good. And since we're both in year 11 now things have gotten a bit hard for the both of us but sill hanging there ad getting stuff organized. :D like after schools we don't start talking till 7 after we organize everything for school. Which is good, and on the weekends before or after work i see him. :) A bit hard but you know, we'll get there, we're just not used to it at the moment.

Family:
Happy good, my step grandmum is over so yerh everyones been busy to keep her entertained. :p Muffin has been sick :( hd ear infection, had 12 teeth taken out, had a surgery on her paw..and recently a surgery on her right eye. :( But she's well and okay now!! :) But you know i just feels sorry for her. Danielle, is good... can't believe my baby sister isnt a baby anymore haha... she's huge and she's 4! haha she goes to kindie now... :) and can survive the day by herself there.

Well basically i had time to type in today haha. NO ONE READS ANYWAY!! LOL.
I miss my friends in the philippines i was hoping to go back at march. If i can.

define love

2007-01-24T13:22:00.000+11:00

Every one thinks they can define love, give the true meaning of it, i don't think anyone can do that, i mean in the first place... who invented the word LOVE? how come suddenly everyone used it to use as a substitute to everything they are feeling? How come when you're full of emotions and you're in front of someone you truly care about all the comes out is "i love you"?

For me I don't think you can have a definite meaning for love, there is always a different meaning from different points of view, but all of us will always feel the same way of how we want to describe it. true??

Love... hard to define, hard to explain... but such a wonderful feeling and experience of being loved... and to love. :)

Something i may agree on...

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

zoo. butterflies. new layout

2007-01-23T21:28:00.000+11:00

On Jan 21st my boyfriend and I went to melbourne zoo. It wasn't my first time but yeah it was so fun to be with him!! I loved it when we went into the bird sactuary lol this freaky read bird was doing a sound in a high pitched whistle kind of way. :) i was breathless when we went into the butterfly house. :) there was loads of butterflies.. hehe. To most of my friends im sure you are well aware that i love butterflies. haha. yep yep. then one of them landed on me!!! so babe took a photo of it, and it is now my background haha. :p well aniway laters!

Happy 5th month!

2007-01-12T01:06:00.000+11:00

Happy 5 months babe! boy how quick did the days go by?! hehe. I love you!! mwah!

coz of boredom

2007-01-09T00:49:00.000+11:00

I made a new layout! haha. lolz. i don't know if ima keep this might put my old one back. lol. niwaiiz work today.. a lot of hard costumers again, complained mainly about the fries. hmmph! Babe is sick :( huhu. Day of tomorow hehe, Chris invited me to this thing on wednesday.. don't know if I'd come. niwaiz not in much mood of sharing things because there's nothing to share! lol but there are new pics on my multiply.

work. fears. love.

2007-01-04T13:22:00.000+11:00

work.
Been working all week which is why i haven't posted lately. New years eve was packed! people were drunk and so im patient. It was horrible..I was supposed to clock out 10 but then they didn't let me go, so i finished at 11:30 :( i had my new years eve on the train.. :( but luckily mum and babe called me to greet me a happy new year :'(. I don't know when I get payed though! hehe. its good money.. weee.

fears.
I saw angela's post about fears. So far there are things that i fear of. i fear DEATH, i dont know how im going to die... whether it's going to be painful or not and ofcourse no one knows when they are going to die. i fear of being A LONE. i told chis this... that i have the tendency to fear of being alone... because i always had friends there for me to care for me... and ofcourse my family... i just don't know what id do.. if no one loved me. Fear of losing SOMEONE DEAR TO ME..may it be a family member or my current boyfriend who had been close to me. I fear of GHOSTS and CORPSE haunting me... Im scared that i might see one. :D I fear that in FUTURE i might end up hopelessly homeless. I fear that in one SECOND things would go wrong and i wouldn't know what to do. i fear that i would have no MONEY. haha..who wouldn't? so far those are the things i can remmber. hehe

Love.
Babe and i havent seen each other a lot overthe summer, his dad is quite the builder of things and likes to work on his spare time, and ocourse he gets his sons to work with him. to help him you know. I saw him las saturday just for an hour :( and yesterday before work just for an hour again. Hopefully things will be better soon. :(

New Years resolution?

2006-12-29T17:13:00.000+11:00

New Year's Resolution

keep going with the whole NOT SMOKING thing
save up! ;D
good grades
stay stressless

hmm think bout the rest soon. haha

Second Day

2006-12-28T22:21:00.000+11:00

I was dong really good on the register today, served a lot of costumer and I was moving really fast. All of them said i did really well and that for someone that's only been in for 2 days im really good. Actually I just learnt all the front part, i mean the serving part today.. huhu. which was a bit hard at first but yeah i got the hang of it. And on new year's eve... haha.. im workin. damn hehe.

First Day of work at Maccas

2006-12-27T20:41:00.000+11:00

Oh it was okay, they said i was doing really good for my first day, so tomorrow they are teaching me how to serve and I think that means im going to be on the register. Today I did all kinds of shit, it was very tiring. HAHA. so basically today was

Bloody Tiring!!

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

2006-12-25T00:37:00.000+11:00

Okay It's 12:30 now, we each got to open a present and we open the rest early in the mornin hehe.. so that the excitement doesn't just stop tonight! :) I got Ipod speakers!! but its also a clock radio alarm, hehe so i can set the alarm and my ipod turns on and plays songs! haha.

I'm talking to my baby right now over the phone and he's playing World of Warcraft killing all the little elves... haha. So i said "baby. why are you killing all the little elves im offended!!" [ because im christian nd mah baby is muslim ] and he said "its okay babe just because you're short doesnt mean you're an elf you don't have to get offended" see how much my baby loves me?! haha. I love my baby although he bags me a lot he never fails to make me smile everytime he says im gorgeous. Not like I haven't heard it from anyone but the way he says it... is believable!

I'll post more later on today. :) and then post the pictures. hehe.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!