Demonic Angel

Shivers run all throughout my body, my knees get weak, as if i can't support myself up, tears still tamed inside, screams wanting to desperately come out. Yet I hear nothing, I hear nothing but the cars, and chuckles of everyone else around me. I envy their happiness. I wish I was happy.

I sit on a step wondering where it'll all lead to, wondering if anyone cared, if all of the sudden i disappeared. Wondering if anyone would realize what I was going through. There is no one, no one to talk to. No one I can trust, no one that will respect my thoughts, and my feelings.

Black tears run down my eyes, as I tried to write in my journal today, shavkng hysterically with anxiety, I almost lit the pen instead of the cigarette, my ignorance didn't help, it only made me even more pathetic.

No warmth anymore, no security, no hope, just faith that keeps me standing. And one day I know the lord will save me, one day he'll pick me up realizing that no one else can. So i sit and wait till the days comes for an angel to save me.

People do stupid things and not realize it. Its probably just human nature. We become so cowardly that we dont want to face reality, our problems that are affecting us, and to make it worse we think about the problems that may arise soon.

I feel like, whenever I seek for happiness people always try to ruin it for me. That's just a feeling,but the thought lingers, why are they doing it? Are they doing it to make themselves better? I always wonder if people think the same way as I do. Do they ever wonder how their actions could affect anyone? I deal with my problems my own way, and try not to get other people involved. I just don't understand why people have to talk about me behind my back, make up things. Do they enjoy torturing me? Sometimes I wish I wasn't as caring and as nice as I was. I wish didn't empathize about what other people think or feel, or how it would affect them.


For once, I'd like to be the one that people would care for, instead of the other way around.
It makes me sick, thinking about things I think of. I think about the most random things. I think constantly, and then take into heart.

Stop. Alyssa. Just stop.

Confusion rushes over me as I look into the abyss with so much question. Blinded by the brightness and the gorgeous sun lowering itself, I look down and wish I could reach the sun, it seems like Im right next to the sun, but at the same time the sun was too far away. As my eyes water with so much anger and passion, I walk away from the sun. Turn my back, and let out all the tears I have tried taming inside. I sit with a hand on my face, and a cigarette on the other, silently..I let out all the scream inside. Despite it all, i was still afraid for everyone to hear my scream. So i scream in my head, where only i can hear it, only i can benefit from venting out everything that cannot be expressed through words.

I wonder, why I like the sun so much. Maybe it's the piercing beauty of its light, or the way the sun gives me comfort, gives me warmth. Not knowing want the sun really thinks, sometimes it goes up..sometimes it goes down, and with it I come.

It's like everywhere I go, the sun is there. Why?
Deep in the darkness, is where the sun and i can be together.
I fuckin dont make sense.

I've grown up knowing that nothing can ever be permanent. Nothing will ever just stay the way they are. Over time things change, it may seem hard to accept that things change but somehow we learn to grow into it, and just accept everything, and take it all in.

I conceal my fears, insecuirties, pain with a smile, to create an illusion to everyone. I've accepted the obscuirty of my existence. In the end I'll only be another person walking the street, enjoying the sun's faint warmth on my face, and yet again, it goes away and the cold rushes through my body once more. Over and over again.

Sometimes I wonder what my existence is for. Not that I'm thinking of seizing my existence at all, but it just makes me wonder. Why am i here for? What am i set out to do in the world? Will I ever become one of the legends and make a difference in the world? But my aim in life is so much simpler than that, people may have the same aim, just to be the person you can be to survive, and yet the things we have to go through is so much more complex. On the way there is so much obstacles and so much pain you'd have to endure. You sit there wondering how you'll go through it all and yet you still find enough strength and enough wisdom to prevent complete oblivion.

I dont know where I am as of the moment, I dont know if there is a set milestone that you have reach. All i know is that right now, im trying my best to get there, to get somewhere. There are things you have to give up, and they seem to be such a painful thing to do, but ive come to notice nothings easy anymore. As I get older things become much more hard, the amount of things I think about become more complicated. Comparing what I'm going through what people go through in their lives doesn't even seem like a hard thing, maybe that's what I base my life for, that I cannot complain because people around the world could be going through so much more pain.

This is the start of becoming broke, the start of worrying what to do next, the start of feeling guilty to not do anything at all in a day when really you need to rest somehow. Get away from everything.Everyone will stop you from reaching high, but no one will ever stop you from falling down. Flat on your bum, and no one will stop to help. I somehow feel like I want to prove something, prove that despite it all I will be able to make it, and show everyone that it is possible.

The option of quitting, getting away from it all seems such an easy way, seems such a great escape. I really want to chose it, but there's things to think about like, money spent, time wasted. I don't want to give up all those things. I love my parents for being so understanding, i really do. I don't know how i can go on without that support. Just knowing and trusting that they will be there, makes me stronger somehow. But i also think about not just sticking to that idea.

I can do this.