It's been a while
I had this sudden urge of writting today, so much things were just coming out of my mind, it was riduculous. It was as though I just had to get them all out, I ended up writting some sort of poem in filipino, in filipino? how berserk is that? Well anyway, I was writting it, and man words just kept splurging out.
I can't remember when the last time was, when i posted something. All i know based on my recent title, that it was at the start of Uni, it doesn't seem so long ago but so much has happened. So much. For one, I think I've lost a friend, which I didn't intend on doing. A big misunderstanding, with no consideration or whatsoever. Apparently im "just one less person to care for in the world" I dont know if anyone has said that to me before, although it hurt me, the look of her eyes told me otherwise, that she did care, she cares so much, but there's hatred with a passion that she just had to hurt me somehow to get that satisfaction that "ha! take that!" sort of thing. And it worked, and i guess i made a fool out of myself, because Im pretty sure I was being redundant but repeating things that were completely irrelevant but because she said that, after that, i couldn't seem to remember why i was there for, why i wanted to talk to them, and what i wanted to talk about. It just kept playing in my mind over and over again, and it sucks really. Although that seemed to be the case where i cried like a baby, somehow i think to myself now that i dont care because I said what i had to say, and i didn't say anything hurtful, which i have nothing to regret for.
The thing I do not understand though is that, why it was such a big deal,me moving on trying to make myself happy seems so impossible because there would always be something that will get in the way. I dont think no one has the right to tell you what to do, except your parents ofcouse because they know best, but really you think about it, you control yourself, it is up to you on what to. I am not making sense as of the moment but making it short, im saying is that I own myself, and no one can tell me how to live my life, and what if I do want to be happy? Would you hold that against me? Would you condemn me? Just because for once, I have a little bit of sympathy for myself, instead of having empathy for everyone else.
Im tire of crying, really, I am so tired of thinkign about what other people think, im not saying that im going to stop doing that, but i think that its time that i think about myself, and do that for me. Make myself happy for once you know? Ive come to the conclusion that there is no point in mopin about things, although there are still things that i cant get over. Like melbourne, the reason, partly, that i haven't gone to melbourne is because I need to do a lot of work, and i know if i was there I'd end up slacking off to see my mates. And the majority of the reason is that, I walk in there, and the smell of familiarity stings. The smell which gives out so much memory. I walk down the hall to my room and there I see pictures which my sister has drawn, stickers of glow in the dark hearts so that my sister can see during the night while walking towards the toilet. It hurts you know? Slowly I'm healing myself and I am happy for that, but it seems like friends who I thought that would try and understand what Im going through would give just a little bit of sympathy dont even try.
I guess i do understand that they are in pain too, i do understand that, but come on, really? does it have to be all about you? Why cant you think about me too. Im tired of thinking about other people being the one to understand but no one seems to try and understand me.
Im ont he roll man, this is good, it is good, im venting it a little bit. If you are reading this right now, I apologize because I didn't share what happened, but really i do not want to bitch, the purpose of this bloody blogs existence is for me to vent out things, and somehow wish that someone would read it and go. "oh dearrr" instead of like "oh you pathetic little twit"
I sort of feel like an idiot for trying to fix the friendship though, because everytime i come up, there this rolling of the eyes, comments and whatever. Its painful. So last night i came straight up and asked what they had to say because i hate backstabbing, id rather know. big mistake. I hear what i had to say and it was painful.
Like I said. Im happy because i was true to myself, and everyone else. I said what i had to, nothing hurtful either. Yet all i heard from her was insults and painful words. I have nothing to feel remorse for, an yet they.. probably do.
I can't remember when the last time was, when i posted something. All i know based on my recent title, that it was at the start of Uni, it doesn't seem so long ago but so much has happened. So much. For one, I think I've lost a friend, which I didn't intend on doing. A big misunderstanding, with no consideration or whatsoever. Apparently im "just one less person to care for in the world" I dont know if anyone has said that to me before, although it hurt me, the look of her eyes told me otherwise, that she did care, she cares so much, but there's hatred with a passion that she just had to hurt me somehow to get that satisfaction that "ha! take that!" sort of thing. And it worked, and i guess i made a fool out of myself, because Im pretty sure I was being redundant but repeating things that were completely irrelevant but because she said that, after that, i couldn't seem to remember why i was there for, why i wanted to talk to them, and what i wanted to talk about. It just kept playing in my mind over and over again, and it sucks really. Although that seemed to be the case where i cried like a baby, somehow i think to myself now that i dont care because I said what i had to say, and i didn't say anything hurtful, which i have nothing to regret for.
The thing I do not understand though is that, why it was such a big deal,me moving on trying to make myself happy seems so impossible because there would always be something that will get in the way. I dont think no one has the right to tell you what to do, except your parents ofcouse because they know best, but really you think about it, you control yourself, it is up to you on what to. I am not making sense as of the moment but making it short, im saying is that I own myself, and no one can tell me how to live my life, and what if I do want to be happy? Would you hold that against me? Would you condemn me? Just because for once, I have a little bit of sympathy for myself, instead of having empathy for everyone else.
Im tire of crying, really, I am so tired of thinkign about what other people think, im not saying that im going to stop doing that, but i think that its time that i think about myself, and do that for me. Make myself happy for once you know? Ive come to the conclusion that there is no point in mopin about things, although there are still things that i cant get over. Like melbourne, the reason, partly, that i haven't gone to melbourne is because I need to do a lot of work, and i know if i was there I'd end up slacking off to see my mates. And the majority of the reason is that, I walk in there, and the smell of familiarity stings. The smell which gives out so much memory. I walk down the hall to my room and there I see pictures which my sister has drawn, stickers of glow in the dark hearts so that my sister can see during the night while walking towards the toilet. It hurts you know? Slowly I'm healing myself and I am happy for that, but it seems like friends who I thought that would try and understand what Im going through would give just a little bit of sympathy dont even try.
I guess i do understand that they are in pain too, i do understand that, but come on, really? does it have to be all about you? Why cant you think about me too. Im tired of thinking about other people being the one to understand but no one seems to try and understand me.
Im ont he roll man, this is good, it is good, im venting it a little bit. If you are reading this right now, I apologize because I didn't share what happened, but really i do not want to bitch, the purpose of this bloody blogs existence is for me to vent out things, and somehow wish that someone would read it and go. "oh dearrr" instead of like "oh you pathetic little twit"
I sort of feel like an idiot for trying to fix the friendship though, because everytime i come up, there this rolling of the eyes, comments and whatever. Its painful. So last night i came straight up and asked what they had to say because i hate backstabbing, id rather know. big mistake. I hear what i had to say and it was painful.
Like I said. Im happy because i was true to myself, and everyone else. I said what i had to, nothing hurtful either. Yet all i heard from her was insults and painful words. I have nothing to feel remorse for, an yet they.. probably do.
posted by aL ♥ @ 4:38 pm
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