Dreadful
I wonder, if anything i do or say has relevance at all.
Nervous about next week, schools in melbourne have this thing called, WEEK O where it acts as an orientation before WEEK 1 actually starts. I wonder how it would be, being an alien, being so unfamilar with the place. I'd probably look like an idiot and yet again, I must take into consideration that other people must feel like me aswell. Still, the thought of meeting new people is quite scary. I dread each day as it grows closer.
My mums here for a visit. It's funny. She complains about everything, It doesn't bother me at all, i quite miss it. I'd rather hear it than not have her here at all. Im happy because then it wouldn't be too hard to do the house hunting anymore. It's annoying how when we first did it with adult supervision, no one seemed to care, because we're teenagers. It's unfair.
I wish somehow that i lived with my family in the philippines but, i also think about how hard I worked to get to where I am, and doing so, would just a complete waste of my hard work. I'm sort of happy, it gets easier each day, but still i think about it. Think about friends that i want to be with there, people i want to spend time with.
No one seems to care though, that i think of this, no seems to care if i was there. It's as though my efforts are taken for granted. Enough about that, I don't want to try and fit a circle into a square. If im not wanted, then that's the end of it. I don't want to hear it anymore. I just cant be bothered.
I think that when Uni starts ill get myself busy, and ill be stressed out, but atleast id be a lot happier without all this in my mind.
where were you when i needed you?
If only people could understand every single thing that goes into my mind. Call me insane i don't care, but somehow no matter how much i try to put into words how missrable i feel it's like everyone just ignores this notion, and just nod their heads like nothing wrong.
Last night, i burst out into tears, hid it from everyone like i always did, but this time i couldnt do it, do it alone. Things that were bad were put into though and i knew it wasnt leading into no good. I couldn't talk to anyone. No one seemed to care, people i trusted didn't bother or made an effort as i cried like mofo, on the phone. Who do i turn to really? Who? I eventually reduced to sending my mother an embarassing message showing weakness. Yeat again i showed her weakness.
It's all too late now, nothing can be changed, no action can be done, when everything is in place. What do you, when no matter how hard you try to froget the pain, when you're left alone you just cant help but feel reatardedly emotional. Realising that no one really cared of my state, of how fucked up i am, i couldn't help but cry even more. I was crying like a baby crawling up like an idiot. Then i felt my heart tightening, felt my throat gasping for air, as if it was my only way to surive, i try subsequently to breathe into a straw-like hole. What do i do? I run outside, hearing nothing but my sobs and hizz..I try to wake up my bestfriend and cry cry even more, could not explain what was going on because i myself didn't know.
By then my heart was beating faster, felt like i couldn't take anymore puff of that pump. So i stop. Stop and i try to breathe as slowly as i can throught the straw. Then the straw slowly became bigger, and all i feel is my heart racing, tears falling from my eyes, as i willingly gave up and told her everything. Then i fall asleep with nothing in my head but it.
frustration
What do you do in these circumstances? Frustration gets ahead of you, and you have no way of getting rid of it, but itstead it just gets agitated. It's annoying. I've given up, given up to its cruel and painful embrace.
I seriously just give up, I've decided to just stay, it seems that school is more important as to my emotional capabilities. I'd just stick with that point. Nothing else, nothing more.
I should be happy for crying out loud. This is bloody retarded.
retarded
I sit here wondering this will all be over, wondering if there was any hope left, wondering if i was even allowed to have hope or some sort of faith. Somehow i wish that I didn't care at all. I wish I was cold as a rock, hard as a rock, strong as a rock.
I somehow try to replace the sadness with a temporary happiness, of music, I dance hysterically to just somehow get all the pain, hate, anger, frustration and everything else out. Or ill furiously try to push back the piercing that is completely fucked up on my ear right now, the stud is in the middle of the hole. -_- it doesn't seem to work as my mouth waters with the stinging pain. I think i need to go doctors to get it fixed, maybe they'll numb it and yank it out.
The thought of cleaning, eating, crosses my mind and yet i don't find the urge to. Sleep, and drink is what i think as i smell the smoke that's seems to be stuck it. I somehow wish everything will be fine, but somehow i know it won't be. There is so much i want to say and yet i refrain myself, im too much afraid to look idiotic and pathetic.
I question myself, does anyone know what im going through? Or does anyone think that ill just get over it? Because really i cant. Everything i love i can't have. Im not speaking in terms of material things.
God this is pathetic.
a thought
It's been a while since i have posted something. Today I decided to let out my thoughts. Thoughts about things that i cannot simply express through words, as i feel as though if i break silence and say what i have to say, someone would just interrupt and then my thoughts would become irrelevant.
Like i have posted before, this subject had crossed my mind again. Why do we love people? Why the hell is love existing? when all it causes in the end is pain. And why does it mostly fuck up are emotional control abilities? A lot more questions leave me frustrated. What is love really? Can anyone please define love as it is? People see love in different ways which makes it harder to get along and have a matual understanding.
Some people go through instances where all they experience of love is not in a fairytale relationship. Nothing can ever be perfect in life. Because..if it was, it wouldn't be life at all. We manage to risk our own, regardless of the thought of pain that we will face as consequence we still are able to gather up that strength and expose ourselves. May it be once, or over and over again. Like as if we never learn from our mistakes. Things like love, that make us vulnarable and put us pain, make us stronger everyday, knowing that everyday we try to endure every little pain that we try ever so much to diminish. Regardless of how much effort, we cannot ommit the memories that seem like a dream. Its frustrating when that dream becomes real, but it only happens for such a short period of time, that thinking about it, makes you think, if you've gone absolutely berserk, and created your own reality. Was it really real? Did it really happen. Things that seem so perfect, and felt like it too, make us want more as it is in human nature. The more you can't have something, the more it makes the longing fonder, even the love that can never seem to exist.
What is love really? Is love about relationships and being in it, and simply saying the words that you do? Or is it something so impossible that all it causes is pain. Will i ever find another? find another that is possible...all i can do now is dream. Even though dreaming would only agrivate the pain but still in my dream all things are possible.
Forgetting and letting go. You can never really forget someone, it is simply not possible unless you have some mental disability. In the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind" they have created an invention to erase all the painful memories. I ask myself, do I want to do that? Over and over again I come up with the same answer, NO. Why? Every good memory that we cant seem to have anymore becomes bad. It hurts, yes, bnut thats how we learn, or how we become less vulnarable and become stronger. To have some sort of agility. Some sort of endurance to tolerate everything. I probably don't even make sense anymore. I feel like i've just been babbling on with nothing. No intellect idea, no point but simply just a thought, that i cannot seem to understand myself and arrange in such a manner that other people would understand.
