Demonic Angel

Today i simply woke up because lexi wouldn't bug off, she went into my room to annoy me. So then we went to Melbourne Central, to look for our friend's birthday, bek. :)

Today, random thoughts came into my head again. You know in movies where they have the most ridiculous and over used cliche's like "You can hate me but atleast fogive me" well today me and my friend were having this deep and meaningful conversation about things we had gone through. I then I remembered the most painful year i had ever had in my life so far. See unlike that cliche' i have never held a grudge against someone for so long, i thought giving it time and space would cool things down, but you see, betrayal is too hard to forget. I can't just hate even though i've already forgiven them, what's the point? Im only torturing myself as they go on carelessly in their lives. I don't care so much of what they do in their lives anymore as much as i used to, i felt like somehow it gave me comfort that they are in an even worse state than what they said they would turn out to be.

There is no point in recollecting the past, and remembering how it was like to be hurt. It wasn't more of the relationship that i had with someone but it was more of a betrayal of friendship, with someone who i thought i could trust, and yet i turned my back and she stabbed me without me seeing it coming. That was the most painful thing, a friend had ever done to me. She may have not known what she meant to me, but she was there in the step of the way as I told her about the butterflies in my stomach, and she was there getting excited with me. It made me look stupid how i was so blind and yet everyone around me saw what was going on.

I told my friend today, that i didn't regret what happened. Firstly, i wasn't vulnarable anymore in situation like that, i am a lot stronger now and a lot braver. The more i take risks the more i learn my mistakes, but that doesn't mean im not cautious. I still am. That's one thing i have to thank the very same girl i cannot ever forgive, because of her it made me realize how special all the people around me were, that i would never do that to a friend, it made me realize how ridiculous she acted and how awful it looked, even though during that time i thought i was the one being stupid, but i look her now, and it is just a pity.

Somehow this heart of mine holding grudges for two people is still soft, and yet protected with a hard invisible surface. The last words i heard from him was "I can find someone so much better than you" to tell you the truth, it hurt me, but it didn't bugg me at all. You want to know why? Because i have nothing to feel guilty about, I had done nothing wrong, I gave it my all and in the end thats what matters to me. And those two that had pushed their way in every single second just to break everything off and to hurt me are a part. They may say they are happy and they have grown up, i don't doubt that for a second.

I look at them, and watched how they have changed. Their lives are still the same, and yet i have had so many things that have gone by to be proud off. I have things that i think they would never have, i have my dignity and integrety, a heart, real friends, family, my love ones (bo and muffin) , and a phase of metamorphosis.

I thought of those things, and i simply smiled, glad of the choices that i had made to make up for my mistakes, it doesn't come easy, i have made up the really bad choices, like giving people 3rd chances even though they should only have two, "fixed my wings with wax"...

That's life though, you can't really have everything your way. I believe that what your experiences are in the past make you as a person you choose to be today, but not the past making you who you are. There's always a time to change, and as for me? time of forgiving? I don't know, if you beat me up nearly to death, it would be painful and yet it would heal, but harsh sharp words that slap you accross your face and an axe on your back? That can't heal. Atleast now i think it wont.

I must say, im quite proud of myself, i usually give in to people who apologize, I always think of the good in them. But now, i think about the good in them too but i also analyze if there's any sincerity. Most of the time, people apologize because they just want to at peace of everyone, but that doesn't mean that all fo them felt guilty. Most, don't even know why you were hurting in the first place.

A boy hurting, breaking your heart, tearing it into pieces and dispersing through thin air is painful and a part of your heart is missing, but i friend's betrayal? is another, you lose a part of your soul.