Demonic Angel

What are they made up of? Somehow i try to remind myself, there is still a great deal of possibility that i will find the answer, and experience it myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is no point in exposing myself in that area if there is a lot of pain involved when things dont go well. Then again, life is full of risks, and life is unpredictable, and to be able to live, we must take the risks. A friend of mine made me realize how much pain one person can embbed in our hearts, but should that be enough reason to stop living? And isolating ourself to the wonderful experiences? These experiences can be quite painful, but they are built as obstacles in our lives so that as we grow, our experiences become less and less painful as we speak, and along with those, we become less vulnarable, learning from our mistakes and instead of regretting them, we will one day be able to hold those experiences and admit that no one can teach you how to live life, because life itself educates you.

My friend says I think to too much. I am afraid I tell you, afraid of making another mistake of my life, and yet I still have that courage to take risks, even though i know that any pain at all cannot compare to emotional pain. I keep thinking, what's the point? you give you're all, and yet somehow no one sees that, no one appreciates it. If i were to tell this to someone older, they would only say, im too young to learn this. I say no, no one has a say of what age you have to learn. Im afraid that i will make the same mistake, you know? Maybe i shouldn't be afraid. Im also afraid that i will grow old by myself with all the hate and no love.

What is love, does it truly exist? who invented such a strong and feared word? Can you truly define the meaning of it when all you think that you have it and yet you're too afraid to hold on? I don't know anymore. "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection;" as it is defined. Would love really be enough for everything or you just have to be a martyr and just suffer for someone you care so much, with only one thought in your head, that you have the obligation to make someone happy. If only everyone can think that way... then there would be no war. All there is would be peace, and nothing more, but there would still be hate, revenge and pain. How can love be so destructable? When it is supposed to be positive?

I look at my parents and see that there is love. Would that ever happen to me? Maybe there's no point in hoping. Maybe love is something you don't look for.

I give up.