Demonic Angel

Passion

What is passion? Can anyone really defy the meaning of it when it involves a strong emotion? I cannot simply give my understanding of it because it is impossible for me to explain it thoroughly. If I did defy it in my own word and understanding it would be completely irrelevant to someone else’s point of view, thus making mine void and biased.

Passion of hatred accompanied by the past is hard to tame, it is hard to forget and hard to ignore. It is completely impossible to hide, as past haunts you and the past claws it’s way out. I am haunted by my passion of hatred. Every time I am reminded of it, it’s as if I’m that same human being crawled up in my bed with tears of betrayal. However I strongly think that I am not that same person. Although I am haunted by my past I still am capable of being strong about it.

He, my past has clawed his way out. He was able to cultivate that hidden pain I had left behind. I don’t know if he doesn’t realize the pain he has embedded in my heart. I have had this conversation with him, he thinks that I still have this sort of ‘love’ stored in me, like as if I had waited for that moment for him to talk to me, waited for him to talk to me like it was the most wanted day of my life. If I had told him everything, every single composition of that grudge and that strong and held passion of hate, I would have been cruel, I would have made him somehow feel regret and feel the pain that he had caused me, and yet despite of being the strong, the person as I am, cannot just put my morals into side. I could have done it, but I knew then that it wouldn’t have made any difference, it has been done, the pain has already been caused. It wouldn’t change anything except him feeling bad about it. As selfish as I am, somehow I do want do want him to feel that way. Regardless of the fact that I know he doesn’t give any shit about it.

You can see or feel if someone is being sincere about their apology. Yes he apologized after 2 years. To me, that is cowardly, cowardly to do it in the way of instant messaging rather than a formal phone call. To me is cowardly, cowardly, cowardly… a coward. I know I may seem repetitive going on and on about this. How can I not? I cannot take back what happened when I was 15, I wish I hadn’t been with him, and yet I think that I do not regret it.

He has taught me one thing. Not all things, always appear as they seem. I was so trustful of everyone that I had always gotten hurt, always being taken granted for, and always abused by my kindness. He had caused me a great deal of pain, despite the fact of going through it, it was excruciating and yet I am thankful for that because now I am not as vulnerable.

It is cruel and sadistic for me not to accept his apology, but it’s not like he would care. I know he doesn’t. I know that he just did it because he simply wanted to clear his name, and offcourse he knew I was coming home to visit.

The nerve. The nerve to even try, that only proves that he knows nothing. He had taken away everything from me that I had nothing left to give, and yet he kept wanting and wanting more, and taken me for granted. And when I was all out of things to give, he simply consumed a new form attention from someone else. Someone I had known, and someone I was close with, someone he had as an ally, like in war to bring me down completely and take over my heart and crushes it, took advantage of the fragility of it, and seeing their smile of being victorious makes me sick. I can play it over and over again in my head. Play that voice of laughter, it makes me hurl. It’s not some form of punishment I had put my self into it was like a reminder, whenever I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I know this seems shallow, that a 16 year old, couldn’t have experience that sort of passion. Like I said, no one can defy passion, whatever kind of passion it is.

I cannot hide it, I really do hate him. I hate him with the greatest passion. I am happy about it. I simply think that he, is not worth talking to. He is not worth of my time. As I feel big about myself, when it comes to him. I’m so above everything which involves him that I can see him on the ground, like an ant. I used to respect him as person and that would have been a great deal, and yet to him, I was nothing. Nothing.

I wonder why, really I really wonder why I stayed through that year even though I knew that he was treating me like crap. I think I just thought it was the real deal. I even thought he was out of my league, like I wasn’t qualified. I think that’s what they call blinded by love. Its ridiculous. Ridiculous that he can go around saying that I was one of his ex’s, it find the horrifying. It is horrible, the thought of is just horrible.

I have decided that it is not worth it, he’s not worth me hating him. I look at him that way, that way that I even think that he doesn’t deserve my hatred towards him. He deserves nothing from me. I pity every girl that will cross his way. Every single sweet and innocent girls that have a lot to offer in the world. Someone that is like me, he does not deserve to know and experience it anymore, he does not deserve it. Not even a little. I LOATH EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT HIM.

I didn’t know the science and genetic could actually put together cells and create such a selfish and narcissist human being as him.

BECAUSE.
It is a waste of life.
Offering it to him.

The last word I said to him before the other day was “I DESPISE I YOU” and I have no intention of taking it back.

posted by aL ♥ @ 5:05 pm