Relationships
What are they made up of? Somehow i try to remind myself, there is still a great deal of possibility that i will find the answer, and experience it myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is no point in exposing myself in that area if there is a lot of pain involved when things dont go well. Then again, life is full of risks, and life is unpredictable, and to be able to live, we must take the risks. A friend of mine made me realize how much pain one person can embbed in our hearts, but should that be enough reason to stop living? And isolating ourself to the wonderful experiences? These experiences can be quite painful, but they are built as obstacles in our lives so that as we grow, our experiences become less and less painful as we speak, and along with those, we become less vulnarable, learning from our mistakes and instead of regretting them, we will one day be able to hold those experiences and admit that no one can teach you how to live life, because life itself educates you.
My friend says I think to too much. I am afraid I tell you, afraid of making another mistake of my life, and yet I still have that courage to take risks, even though i know that any pain at all cannot compare to emotional pain. I keep thinking, what's the point? you give you're all, and yet somehow no one sees that, no one appreciates it. If i were to tell this to someone older, they would only say, im too young to learn this. I say no, no one has a say of what age you have to learn. Im afraid that i will make the same mistake, you know? Maybe i shouldn't be afraid. Im also afraid that i will grow old by myself with all the hate and no love.
What is love, does it truly exist? who invented such a strong and feared word? Can you truly define the meaning of it when all you think that you have it and yet you're too afraid to hold on? I don't know anymore. "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection;" as it is defined. Would love really be enough for everything or you just have to be a martyr and just suffer for someone you care so much, with only one thought in your head, that you have the obligation to make someone happy. If only everyone can think that way... then there would be no war. All there is would be peace, and nothing more, but there would still be hate, revenge and pain. How can love be so destructable? When it is supposed to be positive?
I look at my parents and see that there is love. Would that ever happen to me? Maybe there's no point in hoping. Maybe love is something you don't look for.
I give up.
Party - Party - Party!!!
I went to Diannes cottilion, that was a long night! I had a tiara on haha aren't I a princess? And yeah it was really good, Dianne had a dance performance it was really beautiful i nearly cried. It was really just heart felt the way she danced it. I got to meet new people with this experience. Before Dianne's catillion i got to meet, Bon, one of the guitarist, and Ot, hehe, he was so annoying sometimes, but i was great knowing those two. I also got to meet, Alvin, he's uhm.. hmm.. i dont know he's funny, and he keeps claiming Annie as his sister, lol. I got to meet Cernes, great guy, was good to hang out with all of them, at the after party! haha. Then we had Maccas! yey!
So then after getting home from Dianne's after party, i went home with lily, and then we slept considering we didn't have any sleep at all that whole night. And then we woke up to get ready for Nicole's birhtday party, it was great, yes there was more drinking again. Haha. It was all fun! ;)
The Talk
It was hilarious. I wanted to see if I could be strong about it, and yes I definitely was. I hate him so much that I couldn’t be forgiving. It found that he couldn’t answers my questions as he was guilty of what he has done. For once I was chuckling inside knowing that I done nothing wrong which I was proud of while talking to him. On the other line, he fell silent. As I was filling him with questions that I had been longing to get answers for, to somehow get it over with, and somehow forget about it, and yet he could not come up with any reason. His reason for his ignorance and inhumane actions towards me was because he was always high on marijuana, and that he did not know what he was doing, that he was lying to me all that time, saying he had never done it ever since we got together.
Is that really a good excuse? Should I just forget everything just because he was victimized with the addiction with marijuana? I didn’t give him that marijuana did i? I guess stealing my digital camera, and two of my phone gave him the money to do that. Who could ever do that to their girlfriend really? The promise of love just seems irrelevant when I come to think of it. He had called to say his feelings, so what now? Do I just forget everything? Just because he was a having a hard time with his girlfriend he just suddenly thought of me. I find that fucking hilarious. Excuse my cursing.
I don’t know if I can ever forgive him, he seems to have the courage to talk to me whenever I’m about to send myself of to the Philippines. I wonder how his exes forgave him, I wonder if they have gotten through worse. I called him cowardly as he cried there saying he was scared of me. Scared? Really what I had said was nothing compared to everything he has done to me.
So I will drop this subject, it is not even worth my time. Not worth thinking about, coz seriously, I don’t give a crap of how he feels when he doesn’t even give a shit about what I had felt, and what I feel now, because if he had, then he wouldn’t yell at me to say that I have to understand what he’s going through. Why should i? I really couldn’t come up with any reasons why I should.
This was a complete waste of my time as nothing was established from it and nothing was resolved at all.
Distraction
To get my mind off from the results this morning, i had gotten myself busy busy creating a layout. Then i decided to make an account on createblog. which is really annoying because it takes a week to approve my layout. -_-
So i was thinking of just making a website and putting everything in it. hmm maybe i should do that.
Bicycle
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”
Is life really like riding a bicycle? I know it's not supposed to be not hypothetically speaking, but i wish it were that easy! But then again, it would be too easy for everyone. I guess im just really worried about my results that are coming out tomorrow, its really scary. What if i dont get the result i want? I don't want to disappoint anyone. It would completely bring me down, because i worked so hard this year.
Im so scared, maybe im under estimating myself? but everytime i try to think positive i somehow feel like i might jinx it. It's like im holding my breath for such a long time, and my heart is supposed to slow its beating but it just keeps getting faster as the day closes in.
All my friends are smart, and i feel like if i get a low score it would just lower my self esteem because they would all be so excited about their high scores, and i would just be sitting there wishing i had a high score too, and it really saddens me. Plus my parents. I don't want to disappoint them... im going to visit them in less than 2 weeks what am i going to do if i dont get the score i wanted? I wouldn't have the face to show.
omg.
Black out
When is this net going to stop killing itself really?
This is my second post that I haven’t posted into my blog due to the net being down. The power went off today, for about 2 hours and then it went back again. I should probably fix the net.
So I’m sitting outside watching the trees sway heavily, watching the rain pouring along with the cold breeze. I love the sound of the rain I just don’t like being in it. I sit here wondering, if I wrote a novel about my life would anyone read it? I strongly doubt it, it’s probably too ordinary. I bought my first legal wine today, it was awesome. Although to some people like in the Philippines it wouldn’t matter since you can get alcohol regardless of what your age was.
I hate thunder, I wake up in the middle of the night frightened when I hear it. It’s scary. I also hate clowns. Clowns are scary to me. Somehow I feel empty, have I resorted to the fact that I cant live without the internet? The assumptions, screaming in my head of whether I got an important email. Do I have any new comments in myspace, or is anyone important online? It’s like I want to savour every moment.
I am officially bored.
__________
BY NOW THE NET IS BACK because now i am able to post this.
Passion
What is passion? Can anyone really defy the meaning of it when it involves a strong emotion? I cannot simply give my understanding of it because it is impossible for me to explain it thoroughly. If I did defy it in my own word and understanding it would be completely irrelevant to someone else’s point of view, thus making mine void and biased.
Passion of hatred accompanied by the past is hard to tame, it is hard to forget and hard to ignore. It is completely impossible to hide, as past haunts you and the past claws it’s way out. I am haunted by my passion of hatred. Every time I am reminded of it, it’s as if I’m that same human being crawled up in my bed with tears of betrayal. However I strongly think that I am not that same person. Although I am haunted by my past I still am capable of being strong about it.
He, my past has clawed his way out. He was able to cultivate that hidden pain I had left behind. I don’t know if he doesn’t realize the pain he has embedded in my heart. I have had this conversation with him, he thinks that I still have this sort of ‘love’ stored in me, like as if I had waited for that moment for him to talk to me, waited for him to talk to me like it was the most wanted day of my life. If I had told him everything, every single composition of that grudge and that strong and held passion of hate, I would have been cruel, I would have made him somehow feel regret and feel the pain that he had caused me, and yet despite of being the strong, the person as I am, cannot just put my morals into side. I could have done it, but I knew then that it wouldn’t have made any difference, it has been done, the pain has already been caused. It wouldn’t change anything except him feeling bad about it. As selfish as I am, somehow I do want do want him to feel that way. Regardless of the fact that I know he doesn’t give any shit about it.
You can see or feel if someone is being sincere about their apology. Yes he apologized after 2 years. To me, that is cowardly, cowardly to do it in the way of instant messaging rather than a formal phone call. To me is cowardly, cowardly, cowardly… a coward. I know I may seem repetitive going on and on about this. How can I not? I cannot take back what happened when I was 15, I wish I hadn’t been with him, and yet I think that I do not regret it.
He has taught me one thing. Not all things, always appear as they seem. I was so trustful of everyone that I had always gotten hurt, always being taken granted for, and always abused by my kindness. He had caused me a great deal of pain, despite the fact of going through it, it was excruciating and yet I am thankful for that because now I am not as vulnerable.
It is cruel and sadistic for me not to accept his apology, but it’s not like he would care. I know he doesn’t. I know that he just did it because he simply wanted to clear his name, and offcourse he knew I was coming home to visit.
The nerve. The nerve to even try, that only proves that he knows nothing. He had taken away everything from me that I had nothing left to give, and yet he kept wanting and wanting more, and taken me for granted. And when I was all out of things to give, he simply consumed a new form attention from someone else. Someone I had known, and someone I was close with, someone he had as an ally, like in war to bring me down completely and take over my heart and crushes it, took advantage of the fragility of it, and seeing their smile of being victorious makes me sick. I can play it over and over again in my head. Play that voice of laughter, it makes me hurl. It’s not some form of punishment I had put my self into it was like a reminder, whenever I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I know this seems shallow, that a 16 year old, couldn’t have experience that sort of passion. Like I said, no one can defy passion, whatever kind of passion it is.
I cannot hide it, I really do hate him. I hate him with the greatest passion. I am happy about it. I simply think that he, is not worth talking to. He is not worth of my time. As I feel big about myself, when it comes to him. I’m so above everything which involves him that I can see him on the ground, like an ant. I used to respect him as person and that would have been a great deal, and yet to him, I was nothing. Nothing.
I wonder why, really I really wonder why I stayed through that year even though I knew that he was treating me like crap. I think I just thought it was the real deal. I even thought he was out of my league, like I wasn’t qualified. I think that’s what they call blinded by love. Its ridiculous. Ridiculous that he can go around saying that I was one of his ex’s, it find the horrifying. It is horrible, the thought of is just horrible.
I have decided that it is not worth it, he’s not worth me hating him. I look at him that way, that way that I even think that he doesn’t deserve my hatred towards him. He deserves nothing from me. I pity every girl that will cross his way. Every single sweet and innocent girls that have a lot to offer in the world. Someone that is like me, he does not deserve to know and experience it anymore, he does not deserve it. Not even a little. I LOATH EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT HIM.
I didn’t know the science and genetic could actually put together cells and create such a selfish and narcissist human being as him.
BECAUSE.
It is a waste of life.
Offering it to him.
The last word I said to him before the other day was “I DESPISE I YOU” and I have no intention of taking it back.
My 18th
My invitation.
Yesterday went okay, turned out aryt anyway, i got great presents. Anh and steph got me a tshirt with bar pins on it, bar pins, that had I <3>
I somehow feel tired, haha. The day made me really tired, haha. We watched spiderman, and drank everytime they mentioned 'spiderman' which is really funny. The last time we did that we were watching Harry Potter, and everytime they said Harry we had to drink, we finished a whole bottle of Jagermaister in 6 minutes into the movie because they said harry so many times. No one got drunk last night just in their happy places. :) it was hilarious.
We had 'sex on the beach cocktail' and one of my friends brought Malibu, which tasted really nice. No one drank shots, the night was relaxing by chilling with friends and it was good. Im so drained but happy.
My little sister called me in the morning yesterday to greet me happy birthday which was really nice. :) I miss her so much. SHe said she has a present for me, she's so god damn gorgeous and adorable, i love her to death.
We took some photos, but i only got to upload the photos from my camera, haha, lily has most of them but i don't have the chord for her camera which sucks. haha. we had some good photos there. Click here to view them.
The party to be
I don't know what im so worked up about. I'm just upsetting myself for no reason. It's like, it's my birthday and yet no one is participating. It's just upsetting, everyone was so excited that we were going to get into the spa and yet now one goes "im not going in the spa" and then followed by another "oh yeah me too", anyone else? and then a few minutes later "im going to bed early" followed by, "oh yeah she can't stay long either" anymore? It's all pilling up and it's just upsetting me. I now im sitting in my laptop alone. While everyone is watching TV, what happened to socializing? what happened to the fact that they are in my house? the fact that it's my birthday? doesn't that matter anymore?
The Photo shown on the left, is my attempt to bake a cake, only the cupcakes look retarted because there wasn't any of those metal things, to mold the porper shape, just the paper. So yeah.
Listening to:
Song: Dirrty
Artist:Christina Aguilera
Album:Stripped |
 |
Happy 18th Birthday to me!!
Also happy birthday to, christina, andy, and monique!
So what have i dont so far for my birthday? I have done html again. hahaa, making a "now listening to table thingy magigie. Well anyway, it's supposed to be more petite coz when i was doing it on a html practice website to view how it looks like it was pretty. hehe, but when i put it here it went fat.
Well anyway, 18 doesn't seem like a big number and yet it is somehow big aswell, i know it doesn't make sense, but somehow you'll understand why.
ANyway, i love this song called "halo" by Bethany, she's Haley James Scott from One tree hill, she also sang it on one of the episode. It is an adorable song!!
Listening to:
Song: Halo
Artist:Bethany Joy Lenz
Album: Friends with Benefit |
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20 minutes till my 18th birthday!!!
Yes yes, in 20 minutes i will be 18!! well in the philippines it would be a lot mre, but im in australia so who cares?! haha. Lexi and Lily will give me their presents!! ;) Yey
Im sort of excited.
heh
Oh my god, shes so ugly what am I so worked out about?
I posted this thing on multiply, about how i feel forgotten, i got so many replies, it made me smile and it made my eyes water, i was so happy, that even little things friends remember. Like Ralph C. for instance remembered that little games we played, because somehow we always sat close to each other. haha. I used to annoy the crap out of him, i don't know why he never hated me, he was just always been so nice.
I remember, me and karl were like the media freaks, besides OJ who left yonks before highschool. Well me and Karl always had a camera in hand, when something came up we'd take the pictures, i don't know where all the photos went to though. But i made this perseverance website ages ago, and looking back at the pictures made me smile, there was a photo of me taking a photo of Karl that's taking a photo of me. haaha. I can't remember the username and password though. ahaha.
We always did random shit, we left out one of those biscuit things with a the thingy in the middle, and then not long enough after, the ants were all over it, so we took a picture of that too. Whenever we couldn't be bothered writing notes, the camera came in handy. haha.
My marymount days had bad memories, and yet the good memories always stand out,until now, i will never hate my mates there.
I remember my korean friends, it was hilarious whenever they got angry! "ASHIBALLL" and whenever it got too hot, "CHUMNA DUPTA" haha. Yes how sad of me. ANYONG to all of you, and i miss you all so much. They always gave me hand massage, it was really good. And then i played this korean game card with them, it was so confusing. haah!! but lee always taught me how to play it.
And the boys who talk about their sex life, seemed like it was just part of our daily routine. ALong with someone yelling out "YUCK ANO BA YAN!" which is pretty hilarious. We've all grown up so fast!!
I wonder, i really wonder.. if sir. gav is still the same. I would love to see him. Who always teased me. he was so meaaaan! and yet i don't know why i passed history, i was terrible at it.
ANYWAY HERE'S WHAT I POSTED ON MULTIPLY.
One thing is clear, that not all of us have kept our promises to each other as we all graduated. Everyone went their separate ways, but that doesn't mean we have to lose contact!I somehow feel forgotten, by my friends, just because i have moved out of the country 4 years ago!! There is no other way i could think of, of how we can all keep communicating to somehow talk about things that have been happening.I miss you all so much, especially people who were in my year level. I wish you all kept in touch you know?? And no matter how much i tried, if i created a page for all of us to contribute experiences no one would ever remember it. So please email me!! sweet.kiwii@hotmail.comYou can also add this onto Yahoo Messenger, you just have to enter the full email. You can also contact me on my website.
http://demonic-angel.co.nrI doubt that if you message me, that i would check it, its highly unlikely, all i check here are comments. haha. ;)SHOW ME YOU STILL REMEMBER THE LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD THE LOUDEST SCREAM with a lot of voice to offer.
edit deletereply9 CommentsChronologicalReverseThreaded
delete replyspike0122 wrote on Dec 7
hugmeh saidOne thing is clear, that not all of us have kept our promises to each other as we all graduated. Everyone went their separate ways, but that doesn't mean we have to lose contact!I somehow feel forgotten, by my friends, just because i have moved out of the country 4 years ago!! There is no other way i could think of, of how we can all keep communicating to somehow talk about things that have been happening.I miss you all so much, especially people who were in my year level. I wish you all kept in touch you know?? And no matter how much i tried, if i created a page for all of us to contribute experiences no one would ever remember it. So please email me!! sweet.kiwii@hotmail.comYou can also add this onto Yahoo Messenger, you just have to enter the full email. You can also contact me on my website.
http://demonic-angel.co.nrI doubt that if you message me, that i would check it, its highly unlikely, all i check here are comments. haha. ;)SHOW ME YOU STILL REMEMBER THE LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD THE LOUDEST SCREAM with a lot of voice to offer.
hello..
delete replytinyap13 wrote on Dec 7
hahaha :)) beb aust ako ngayon ;) i miss youu!!!
delete replyblissfulangel wrote on Dec 7
aly! ayiie, i still haven't forgotten you:)
delete replyaaangel999 wrote on Dec 7
alyssa, hindi kita nakalimutan.. i just visited your multiply last week, im happy that your doing good and nice accent. :) advance happy birthday, that's one thing i don't forget.. I miss you too and take care! :) how are you na?
delete replymiccel wrote on Dec 7
;)
delete replytawnylove wrote on Dec 7
SIS!! I miss you!
delete replywackyartist32 wrote on Dec 7
nako aly!! "THE LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD THE LOUDEST SCREAM" da best sigaw mo!! hahahaha tnx nga pla sa pagcomment dun sa pic na mukha akong neyo poser hehehe :) sorry kung hindi ako nkakapagparamdam, kahit iba ntin kabatch wala din ako balita, busy ako sa studies kasi.. anyways, hope you're ok!! ingats!! i'm doing good :)
delete replycaffeineandpills wrote on Dec 7
yeyea :) how you been? missyou bebe.
delete replyyours4thetaking wrote on Dec 7
hey we havent forgotten you,you know..busy busy lng ako ngaun dami ginagwa haha..tandaan q pa nga mga games natin nun seatmates tayo hahah..chessmaster right!! well advance happy birthday aly...sana ok ka lagi...ingats...
Breaking Dawn
WARNING: SPILLING WHAT HAPPENS SO IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW BETTER STOP READING!
I finished the book!! :) this time it took me 7 hours to finish, with break ofcourse. OMG. I can't believe it!!! It's so adorable that they have a child together, it is wonderful that bella's become a vampire to be with Edward forever!!! NAWWW so cute.
I just found the description of the birthing system disturbing. haha. Breaking rib after rib and then pelvis and the spine. Im surprised she didn't die instantly considering that the brain would have been dead because of her snapped spine, but yeah it was really good.
It was good, except for one thing, it finished! :'( now i have to wait for the fifth book. Damn it.
Eclipse
I finished the book, haha, right after i finished new moon, i went to read eclipse, aren't i sad? My god, im starting to read breaking dawn now. But decided to stop anyway, because ive been reading a lot, that it's probably not best if i continue on due to the fact that its highly addictive. Perhaps i have come to a conclusion that i too will be a vampire if i dont sleep. haha, 2.44 am, i think i need to give myself a rest.
Eclipse wasn't to good for me, i was anticipating of whether bella was going to become one of them, now if anyone has read breaking dawn, please dont spill what happens, i will fly to wherever you are and murder you. And drink your blood, nah jokes. haha. well anyway, i didn't like it too much with Jacob in the picture, ive been to in love with Edward and Bella's love story that Jacob just annoyed me, yes i tried empathizing, but who can blame me? ey ey? haha.
Anyway, i should get some sleep, my sleeping pattern has ended up pretty bad. haha. Im hungry though, but i cant be bothered getting something to eat, im too warm in my bed, lol. Too relaxed.
yuck
cleaning - makes me feel like im eating the cleaning detergent.
Now i feel like non stop the cleaning substance keeps building up in my mouth,
like it substituted my saliva.
Random Happiness - Moody much?
Happy Happy JOY JOY! Happy Happy JOY JOY! Happy Happy JOY JOY!
My nose is huge. LOL. eww.
Happy Happy JOY JOY! Happy Happy JOY JOY! Happy Happy JOY JOY!
It makes me wonder, what if vampires were really real? even if they do exist, it seems very unlikely for a human being not to be terrified, i know we secretly want to be immortal and unspeakably beautiful, but how can you live with that? How can you stay young, while everyone else around you is getting older every second. How can you stay young, and endure the pain of losing all the people you love?
I guess Bella's love for edward is unconditional. She would do anything to be with him, which is adorable!!! ;) but you know, i can never imagine myself in her position. First of all, id probably shit in my pants if i saw a vampire and i knew he was a vampire and he was odly close to me. Or i could be Bella and just think he was hot. hahaha.
Newmoon
I finished new moon, i was about to finish it last night, but eyes were shutting and couldn't hold on, so i finished it as soon as i woke up! :) God, this book made me sob, and cry. It's pathetic. Then the ending left me hanging, i was expecting more pages, and i was like what the hell!??? So ima start on eclipse :D:D:D
One of my old friends, in taiwan, its his birthday today! HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY KYLE!!! i miss you. And so we were talking yesterday/last night. And he kept going on about the twilight movie, how it was so awesome. I kept thinking, i didn't like the movie, it was just not satisfying! so then i asked him "im guessing you haven't read the book., no?" he replied. "No" haha, which is probably why. READ THE BOOK PEOPLE, movies miss out on A LOTTTT of important things.
I love it.....I love it. Thanks rayka for sending them to me. I MISSS YOU.
Twilight Movie
It may sound crazy but i need to get me one of those.
The movie wasn't great as i hoped it to be. We all know that the books are always better.
I really think that they should have used stronger actors, but i can't deny that they are adorable on screen. The way Robert Pattinson played edward is just spectacular, it is wonderful, that somehow i thought i fell in love with him, just don't look up videos and photos of him as himself, it really isn't pretty.
Kristen Stewart as beautiful as she is, looked innocent in this film considering that in most of her films, she has always portrayed strong characters, so this was okay i guess. I just think i could still be better.
Break
We all have our insecurities
I break can mean different things, it could simply mean you need to get away from the reality of life, all the hurt, the pain, and everything else that tries to bring you down. A break could also be a part of your adolescent, a break out of pimples, break out of split ends, break out of water weight, being bloated. Or simply a break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
All this time, i have tried to hide my feelings and my thoughts. Things haven't been so easy you know? I tried to hide it from Lexi, and from Lily, and also from everyone else. I didn't want people to see that i was weak, i wanted everyone to know that i was independent. break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
The other day, this creepy guy started yelling at us from next door, and mind you this is not allowed, and yet he did it, we were sitting down, and he was yelling from a higher angle, which felt realy demeaning and degrading. It gave me an axiety attack, where i broke out into shock, and i couldn't speak, i was afraid i was going to say something mean, something wrong, and i knew everytime i came to that position, i always regreted things i said. This incident made me cry. Made me break out into tears that ive been trying so hard to hold on to.break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
I went into my room, i wanted to be alone. I cried. I know this sounds really depressing, but i just somehow wanted to be away from people. My friend, Lexi, not knowing what was going on, started yelling at me, "why are being such a bitch your friend for?", this really affected me, since all i did was walk into my room, and that was it, it really hurt me even more that there was simply no other way, to not affect anyone. break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
In that room, what i called my temple, i felt horrible. The pain was too hard to bare, i felt so weak, pathetic, and dependent. I couldn't bare to look in myself in the mirror in disgrace, i started to scribble on it, and then took a picture, to be reminded, that i need to change the girl in the mirror. It reminded me one important thing, i needed to be strong for myself for now, and not for anyone else.break, a break out of tears that you have tried so long to hold.
My friend, lexi, talked to me, and apologized. I wasn't angry with her. She said words that made my hair stand, all over my body. "You think you are so weak lally, but if only you can see what i see, you are stronger than you think" she said, i was right, people who give up are cowards, she told me... i wasn't one of them. Beforehand i explained to her how i felt about everything, i need not to mention my life. But, i said to her, that i can never take my life, despite the fact that i may feel like i am in the worst situations, and even though i am in the worst pain that i could bare, because even in that insane little head, and moment, i manage to come up with the idea that, I would be a coward for doing that, and it would be unfair to everyone i love, and to everyone that love me. I wouldn't want to hurt them.
Good Night Sleep
I finally had a good sleep tonight, considering yesterday was horrible, I couldn't go to sleep for some reason, i had many things in my mind, by the time i realized it was already 6.30 and lily was awake complaining that i havent slept. So then i fell asleep at 6.30. I was able to sleep some what 'earlier' last night. :p 11.30.
I can't believe there's only 6 days until my birthday, and yet there's no excitement, i know that when i wake up on that day, it'll only be another day, and nothing would change, only the reponsibilities making it official.
I woke up this morning with a horrible mood, i had bo's paws digging into my chest, and his face seriously studying my face, whether i was awake or not. Then he lifted up his paw and started nudging my face to wake me up, but not realizing that nudging was actually scratching me. So i said go away bo!!
And i walked out of my room, started reading the second book of stephanie mayer, eclipse, only to realize that i was reading the wrong book, it was meant to be new moon, dumby me, so now ive started new moon, trying to predict eclipse. haha. ANd then i went in, and there i saw Bo, with apologetic face and inevitable face, that craved for attention. Shi tzus have this capability, of making you feel guilty for depriving them from the attentiont they are required to have. So i hugged bo and sofft fluffy fur.
I love my dogs, especially muffin. She is the most gorgeous thing when you see her slee, not when she starts snoring really loud. Haha, but its still cute. SHe snores so loud its so funny!
Anyway, days are closing in until i see my family!! :) and until i see my paradise again, Boracay... :) If you think about it, really think about it, life forms coexisting altogether, is really beautiful, that sometimes how they existed makes it even more beautiful, that today, for us, it is made at most beautiful state. I just wished it would last, as nothing would last forever.
I need to find myself an Edward Cullen to escape reality, and so i can create a new diversion of it, in my own little head. haha.
6 days mtill my 18th!
Wishlist
Red nintendo DS Pug Red cordless mouse that matches my laptop An electronic organizer a hot lingerie, i don't know why, but they are beautiful. MONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! to shop :D Deakin :( As the days of my birthday are closing in, the days of the results are coming also. Which scAres the shit out of me. Even lexi, probably the most smartest girl i know, is worried about her results. What the hell man? Lily, even silent, i can see that she is worried too. I know one thing, im not alone when i find out my results are, i wouldn't be alone when they happen to be really bad, i need someone there to tell me, that i have done my best and thats what matters, not 'your best wasn't enough', because i really need someone there to make strong regardless of what the results may be. ANd i know that my friends will be there when i happens, and also my family, if they call. haha.
I miss danielle, ma, and rod. Danielle mostly, would i be a stranger to her in the years to come? because that's what im afraid of.
Today i simply woke up because lexi wouldn't bug off, she went into my room to annoy me. So then we went to Melbourne Central, to look for our friend's birthday, bek. :)
Today, random thoughts came into my head again. You know in movies where they have the most ridiculous and over used cliche's like "You can hate me but atleast fogive me" well today me and my friend were having this deep and meaningful conversation about things we had gone through. I then I remembered the most painful year i had ever had in my life so far. See unlike that cliche' i have never held a grudge against someone for so long, i thought giving it time and space would cool things down, but you see, betrayal is too hard to forget. I can't just hate even though i've already forgiven them, what's the point? Im only torturing myself as they go on carelessly in their lives. I don't care so much of what they do in their lives anymore as much as i used to, i felt like somehow it gave me comfort that they are in an even worse state than what they said they would turn out to be.
There is no point in recollecting the past, and remembering how it was like to be hurt. It wasn't more of the relationship that i had with someone but it was more of a betrayal of friendship, with someone who i thought i could trust, and yet i turned my back and she stabbed me without me seeing it coming. That was the most painful thing, a friend had ever done to me. She may have not known what she meant to me, but she was there in the step of the way as I told her about the butterflies in my stomach, and she was there getting excited with me. It made me look stupid how i was so blind and yet everyone around me saw what was going on.
I told my friend today, that i didn't regret what happened. Firstly, i wasn't vulnarable anymore in situation like that, i am a lot stronger now and a lot braver. The more i take risks the more i learn my mistakes, but that doesn't mean im not cautious. I still am. That's one thing i have to thank the very same girl i cannot ever forgive, because of her it made me realize how special all the people around me were, that i would never do that to a friend, it made me realize how ridiculous she acted and how awful it looked, even though during that time i thought i was the one being stupid, but i look her now, and it is just a pity.
Somehow this heart of mine holding grudges for two people is still soft, and yet protected with a hard invisible surface. The last words i heard from him was "I can find someone so much better than you" to tell you the truth, it hurt me, but it didn't bugg me at all. You want to know why? Because i have nothing to feel guilty about, I had done nothing wrong, I gave it my all and in the end thats what matters to me. And those two that had pushed their way in every single second just to break everything off and to hurt me are a part. They may say they are happy and they have grown up, i don't doubt that for a second.
I look at them, and watched how they have changed. Their lives are still the same, and yet i have had so many things that have gone by to be proud off. I have things that i think they would never have, i have my dignity and integrety, a heart, real friends, family, my love ones (bo and muffin) , and a phase of metamorphosis.
I thought of those things, and i simply smiled, glad of the choices that i had made to make up for my mistakes, it doesn't come easy, i have made up the really bad choices, like giving people 3rd chances even though they should only have two, "fixed my wings with wax"...
That's life though, you can't really have everything your way. I believe that what your experiences are in the past make you as a person you choose to be today, but not the past making you who you are. There's always a time to change, and as for me? time of forgiving? I don't know, if you beat me up nearly to death, it would be painful and yet it would heal, but harsh sharp words that slap you accross your face and an axe on your back? That can't heal. Atleast now i think it wont.
I must say, im quite proud of myself, i usually give in to people who apologize, I always think of the good in them. But now, i think about the good in them too but i also analyze if there's any sincerity. Most of the time, people apologize because they just want to at peace of everyone, but that doesn't mean that all fo them felt guilty. Most, don't even know why you were hurting in the first place.
A boy hurting, breaking your heart, tearing it into pieces and dispersing through thin air is painful and a part of your heart is missing, but i friend's betrayal? is another, you lose a part of your soul.
Twilight
I just finished reading twilight, and then ill be moving on to the next. :p 6 hours it took. Meyer's writing is amazing. Heart twitching and capturing, and the imaginary is astonishing. I thought fairy tales were the only ones that could have this unconditional love, i guess vampire stories could too.
I read non stop until lexi came home with one tree hill. We ddnt get to finish all the cds, but we were able to go through 2 cds. haha.
Marathon
I spent my afternoon/evening yesterday by watching one tree hill. We had a 3rd season marathon, just sat there, left for 15 minutes to get dinner and then went back at it again. We started 1.30 pm and finished at 1.30Am the next morning, hahaha.
I slept really well last night, and when i woke up to my dismay i had wasted half the day already, it was 12.44pm, for the first time since the holiday i was able to sleep in, and yet when i forced my body up, i felt like a giant elephant had been stepping on my head the whole night.
I then checked my email, and my auntie had sent me the twilight novels, and so i read the book from then on and just finished now, having almost finished my book, Lexi walks in with the season four of One Tree hill, damn you Lexi!! Yes so i guess it would be another night of wine, one tree hill, and cigarettes with 2 of my bestfriends, just chillin out enjoying the fact that right now, we are allowed not worry about anything, and until uni, we will cherish every freedom.
IF I WERE A BOY
Beyonce's song got me thinking, i reckon if i turned into a boy now magically, i would probably be the best boyfriend a girl can have. Although i'd probably be a metrosexual one, considering ive gone through the face of female puberty.
Just a thought.
